Necessary Lies

So, another confession.... I lie. Often. I lie about being okay and feeling positive in attempts to make myself eventually believe it. Positive self talk and all that... Sharing it with others to reinforce it.... Just trying to trick myself to get through another day.

There's a storm in my brain and it's effing exhausting holding myself up. But letting myself sink isn't an option. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

I'm probably one of the most positive clinically depressed people I know. That's how I manage. Managing = struggling, though, and sometimes the basics take up everything I have. Things others take for granted. And when I fail those around me, it makes me feel worse.... But I have to try and hide that, too, because that makes them more upset. My whole life, people I love have been upset with me, all stemming from this issue which biology chose for me.

I hate being like this... hate, hate, hate. And getting help is often a 2 steps forward, 3 steps back process. And progress is tenuous. Trying to hold on to the thought of "This is temporary" is hard when "temporary" has lasted 20 years. People get impatient. Then they get tired. Then you are a burden. Because it does get old and tired.

Just imagine how it feels from the inside, though.

I have an illness that's not going away. This is me. I try my best. Sometimes I fail. I've come a LONG way, but it still never feels far enough.

I don't know where I was going with this.... Perhaps it's part of my vow to be more emotionally honest, and I've always been a linguistic exhibitionist. As always, be kind. Be understanding. Break the stigma. Hang in there. Try your best. Don't beat yourself up when you come up short. Or any other number of lies you need to tell yourself to make it through each moment.

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