Me, Myself and I…and others

5 Things I’ve learnt about myself (and others) over the past week. Life-changing events lead to deep-and-meaningful reflections, it seems.

5. People really do care.

Throughout my life, I’ve always second-guessed people. I haven’t trusted them and I’ve doubted what they’ve said. A close friend recently pointed out that I absolutely refuse to take compliments. I might divert one from hitting me head-on; I might refuse to accept it; at times, I might make the person giving the compliment feel like they’ve insulted me. Here’s an example…

Lovely, kind person: “Oh I love your dress!”

Me: “Do you? It’s really old.”

Caring soul: “Is it Karen Millen?”

Me: “Yeah, but I got it in the sale. It was really cheap.”

Persistently nice person who just won’t give up: “Wow, that’s amazing. It’s gorgeous!”

Me: “Well, it looked better on Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives…”

Bored person: {Goes to talk to someone else}

Why couldn’t I just say “Thank you! That’s so nice of you to say. It’s one of my favourite dresses.”? I could have extended the conversation a little by telling them my amazing story about how old and cheap it was. Alas, I didn’t. I made the poor, unsuspecting fool regret they’d ever spoken to me.

It’s a confidence thing. Maybe. Maybe it stems from something that happened in my childhood, or maybe it’s down to the simple fact that I’m an only child, but I’m no psychoanalyst, so I’ll leave that one there.

It was during the leaving speech, given by the afore-mentioned close friend, that I realised exactly how much I annoyed other people by refusing to accept their compliments. Everyone was nodding along in agreement with her!

So that got me thinking about people, their attitudes and their responses to me, the things they did and said, the things they didn’t do and say. It made me realise that, in general, they give me so much and, occasionally, I expect too much from them. Nobody is perfect.

I started to really appreciate the people in my life and discovered a new-found respect for a lot of people, which is maybe too little too late at this point in the story of my life…

4. They’re just things.

Over the past month or so, I have had to throw away or give away a lot of things. But that’s just it: They are things. Any ‘thing’ can be replaced; it’s people who can’t be replaced. And cats. Cats can’t be replaced.

Sorry, I will never stop talking about cats, despite not currently living with any :-(

3. Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it.

Right up until we got to the airport on our morning of departure, I was a wreck. I was crying, hysterical at times, giddy with excitement, dreading every moment I had to say goodbye to yet another person and, basically, feeling a bit sick.

I had said goodbye to my parents, my friends, my family and my cats. I had quit my job, sold my house, thrown away a lot of childhood/adolescent mementos and lost things along the way. I had packed up my whole life into 2 suitcases and a saxophone case and set off on what I am hoping will be the adventure of a lifetime.

At times, I felt like I couldn’t go through with it. I tried to make myself believe that it was just a long holiday, or I was just moving back to university, or repeating my third year abroad in France. Whenever I thought about the finality of everything I’d done, I panicked. I admit I asked the doctor for beta-blockers to help me through…and they did, to an extent.

However, I stopped taking the beta-blockers when I realised that it’s all a process that I had to go through. Not dissimilar to when someone close to you dies, I almost felt that everyone around me was about to die. Morbid, I know, but it was how I felt.

I’ve been in Chigaco for almost 3 days and I haven’t cried or freaked out once. I had a theory before I left that I wouldn’t miss people (and cats) as much once I got here because those people (and cats) don’t belong here, were never here and, therefore, cannot be missed here.

It was true. Now, when I think of my cats, I don’t think of them running into the bedroom and jumping onto the bed for cuddles. I’m in a new city, a new bedroom and a new (un-cat-furred) bed. That delightful event has never happened here, so I can’t miss it here. It makes sense!

I still miss the actual people (and the actual cats), but now it’s not so all-consuming and full of dread. WhatsApp, Skype, Snapchat and Facebook Messenger are wonderful things, as are aeroplanes, so for any friends/family reading this, get your flights booked now!

2. I’m quite brave, aren’t I?

People kept saying how brave they thought I was, but it didn’t really sink in until my Dad, a compliment-dodging guy himself (Oh! That’s where I get it from!) hugged me goodbye and said, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You’re a brave little b****r.”

Throughout this whole process I have been excited, scared, overjoyed, nervous, thrilled, disappointed and various other emotions, but it wasn’t until that moment that I felt proud.

I’m finally accepting the compliment that my Dad and many other people gave me. I am proud of myself!

1. I’m more confident than I think I am.

It was on our first night in Chicago, when we had stood awkwardly as a couple in the bar where we were meeting new and existing staff that I finally forced myself to turn away from my loving and supportive husband and talk to other people without him.

I have done a lot of things by myself over the years. As I said, I’m an only child. I’ve had to go it alone! Starting new schools, moving homes, making friends around the pool on holiday, going to various dance and music activities, then, in later years, starting university, moving abroad for a year, getting my first job and going to more music and dance activities. It’s all taken a confidence that I’ve never really acknowledged before and, it’s a confidence that I admit I haven’t really developed for the past few years. I’ve grown a little too comfortable as a wife. I’ve drifted into my ‘comfort zone’. While I’ve still taken risks in my life (learning to ride a motorbike, surfing, adventurous travels…) I’ve tended to take them with friends or my husband. I’ve relied on other people to be there to back me up and, as a result, I’ve lost some of that confidence I had when I was younger.

On Friday night, near the start of the evening while it was still a little awkward, a waiter came to the table and knocked an entire bottle of 312 beer over me. To be honest, my first instinct was to run away crying. I felt that all eyes were on me and those eyes were eyeing me with pity. Luckily, my back-up instinct kicked in (which is related to my inability to take a compliment, I guess…) and I laughed it off.

So, I was standing in a crowded bar with quite a few people I didn’t yet know. I was clinging to my husband for dear life (metaphorically, not literally because, you know, pathetic — and PDAs are never going to go down well in that situation…) I was soaked with beer and the people near me had inched away slightly in fear of being ‘next’ (OK, I might be being a little paranoid.)

And then it hit me (the idea, not another beer).

I turned away from my husband, walked to a nearby table where 4 women and a man were chatting, eased my way in between them and declared “Hi! My name’s Michelle and I’ll be wearing beer this evening!”

Not my finest opening line, but it got a laugh and started a conversation. I was transported back to my confident days and immediately missed the bubbly, outgoing, slightly ‘crackers’ person I’d been.

The night ended at around 7:30pm, which doesn’t sound overly wild, but, bearing in mind there is a time difference of 6 hours between Chicago and England, it was really 1:30am and, for me (and husband) that is impressive.

…

So I’ve learnt that people will always care about me and I’m hoping that some people on this huge continent will care about me, too. Firstly, there are masses of people here, so I’m bound to find a couple to care about me. Secondly, I’m going to let them.

I’ve learnt that people and cats are amazing, but inanimate objects? Not so much.

I’ve learnt that I can’t hide from the ups and downs of real life. I just have to accept them, live in the moment a bit more and keep trying that mindfulness thing everyone is raving about at the moment.

I’ve learnt that I am a brave person and I am proud of myself for that. This is such a great feeling!

Finally, I’ve learnt that I have to put myself out there.

(Oh, and clearly I’m already developing an American accent! Like, totally!)

Talk to y’all later!xxx