I was told there was something evil in me for loving her. There was something wrong with me and I needed to fix it. Apparently, I was choosing to live this way. That was news to me, because if this was a choice, I probably would have chosen differently. It would have saved me a lot of pain and confusion and abuse if I had been given a choice.
Was there something wrong with me? Was there something evil inside of me? All for loving a girl? Could it be that they were right, and I did need fixing because I’m the way I am?
There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing evil inside of me. They were wrong, and I didn’t need fixing. I loved her. God, did I love her. She was everything to me. Her beauty radiated like the warmth from the sun and her kindness only added to it. She loved so strongly and cared so greatly that I couldn’t help but fall in love with her. I was young, but I knew what I felt. I just wanted to be around her. Just seeing her would brighten my day and make everything in my world worth while. And one day I couldn’t keep it inside anymore, and I told her that I loved her as more than just my best friend.
I had never seen her so angry before. Her platonic love for me became a strong hatred, and she told me I disgusted her. The pain I felt was unbearable, and the blade against my skin was the only thing to keep me going. Suddenly, I did believe them. What they had said about the evil that was inside me. Maybe they were right. Maybe there is something wrong with me.
I did need fixing.