The 10 Commandments of Festival Going
Summer is coming, which means that in addition to the beach, barbeques, and blockbuster films, festival season is also upon us.
Yes indeed, going to a music festival in the summer has become quite the tradition in recent years, combining all the bests of camping, going to the beach, and having a barbecue.
Live music, free flowing alcohol and drugs, and a loosened moral code allow for a wonderful opportunity to say “fuck it” and enjoy yourself. But fun festival experiences can quickly turn into nightmares if you aren’t properly prepared.
As long as your follow the 10 Commandments of Music Festivals, you can rest assured knowing that you will have a most memorable (and blessed) festival experience at Sasquatch!, Lollapalooza, Mysteryland, or wherever it is that you’re goin’.
Thou shalt not malnourish thyself.
Bringing food is a good idea. Humans need to eat to survive, especially when faced with days of excessive drinking and physical exertion. Festival food is usually more expensive than the typical fare, so bring your own! Borrow your friend’s cooler and stock it with provisions (resist the urge to fill every cooler you own with beer). Unless you want to mooch off the people grilling two lots over, or resort to trapping vermin, just bring some food.
Thou shalt pack many snacks.
Keeping with the theme of bringing supplies, make sure to stock up on all the essentials BEFORE you arrive at the campground. Before you even set out from home, make sure you hit your local convenience store and grab all the beer, liquor, cigarettes and munchies your heart desires. You’ll be kicking yourself when you have to walk two miles to the gas station on the interstate because you only brought one pack of your beloved Marlboro Lights.
Thou shalt not tolerate stinky balls.
Be sure to bring a few extra pairs of underwear. Yes, it may be only three days. Yes, you may believe you can “pack light” and just stuff a handful of assorted summer clothing into a gym bag and call it a day… but anything can happen once you enter the fairgrounds. It’s easy to lose clothing and footwear. You can get very sweaty dancing in the sun. Drinks will surely be spilt. You could get way too drunk and shit yourself. You get the point. Grab a couple extras pairs out of the laundry and you’ll be glad you did it.
Thou shalt not go barefoot.
Speaking of proper attire, try not to forget footwear. Unless you have hairy Hobbit feet, spending nearly three days without shoes or even flip flops can take its toll. Especially when you consider the level of filth which will rapidly accumulate under thousands of dancing, drinking, sweating bodies.
Thou shalt bathe thyself in SPF.
Sunscreen is also a great idea. Just bring it and put it on at some point during the morning pregame. If you are bringing a pack into the concert, toss it in there. Just don’t forget to use it! Barring a rainy weekend, you can expect to be in the sun for three days straight. Most likely without a shirt or any form of protection against deadly UV rays. Lather up! Ask a friend to help you with those hard to reach places, offer to help the ladies in the next lot over, draw faces and designs with it to make it more fun for all. Just wear sunscreen, it’s the 21st century for Christ’s sake.
Thou shalt not shower for days.
Some advice to those with high standards of personal hygiene. Just forget about it for three days. Festivals can get pretty fucking gross. Sweat, beer, sex, smoke, mud and all other sorts of shit will be accumulating on your person as soon as you pull into the campsite. Do what you can to maintain some level of decency and self respect and enjoy the rest. It’s fun to smell like a dirty hippy… it is, in a way, liberating. Plus, every shift of the body in the car ride home will release a new odor for you and all of your friends to enjoy!
Thou shall not fellate.
While festivals can be a great place for a random hookup, just keep in mind that most everyone you will come across will likely not have showered or groomed in days. Practice *smart* sex. Be on the lookout for dirty dicks and funky beavers. Avoid oral sex at all costs. You do not want to put your mouth anywhere near a pair of balls that have been soaking in their own filth for two and a half days.
Thou shalt look ‘fly’.
Last minute fashion tip: Bring a bandana. It’s a versatile and classic accessory. As a fashion statement, it can simply be worn to show that you are down with the general free flowing vibes of the festival. Wrap it around your head or tie it around your neck and you are good to go. You can go full biker bandana, karate kid headband, the possibilities are endless. It’s also an effective means of keeping the sun off of your head and neck, and when wetted down with some cool water, can help provide some relief from the heat.
Or you can simply drape it over your head (see below).
Thou shalt hydrate often.
Finally…. HYDRATE. If you see water, drink it. If you haven’t had water all day, find some and drink it. Nothing like trying to enjoy the Friday headliner while your friends are dropping like flies from dehydration. Stay hydrated folks.
Thou shalt have an AWESOME time.
Keeping all of this in mind…. Don’t forget to have a great time!
Originally published on FlockU.com
