Thanks for writing such a wonderful article. I sympathies and empathize with your feelings and would offer these suggestions with the utmost of respect.
May I suggest the following.
- Grieving is individual and totally non conformist as to time. It takes as long as it takes to metabolize your experience. In the years before my father died, he told me to grieve as little as possible, accept and move on. Well, living with this idea and believing it for a number of years before his death, it still took me 2 years before I stopped crying when I thought of him. Take your TIME. The world needs you, just NOT now. Liatzo wrote: “Great talents blossom late” (Tao de Ching).
- The imagery you use is not serving you. Utube: Alan Watts., Tolle, conscious TV, and many more like this. All that’s truly important is happening right now. Be in the moment, be alert awareness, to your life right now
- Practice letting go. It’s not easy but is essential.
- Realize, everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of how stupid, lazy, inept the performance seems. Just like you and me, this is the best I can do… right now!
- Forgive and forget. Love unconditionally.
Best set wishes for a full recovery. Someone as smart as you will figure it out.