Weekend Highlights: We Need To Talk About (Little) Kevin

Seconds later, Keggy got his old chap caught in the filter, causing the Anfield drainage system to backfire and showering thousands of local residents in raw sewage.

When I was a kid, nudity in football was a necessary evil. We were all aware that it happened but refused to acknowledge it, preferring instead to quickly turn those pages of the paper featuring grainy black and white photos of hairy arsed blokes holding a trophy in one hand and a fag in the other, if only to preserve the illusion that the human body was nothing to be scared of.

David Beckham is the man credited with dragging football out of the primordial man stew and making shaving, using deodorant and applying moisturiser socially acceptable among heterosexuals and we’re all grateful to him, but, like a worrying proportion of the British public feel about human rights, has the pendulum swung too far the other way?

Anatomically correct.

If you had the misfortune to switch on the Real Madrid vs. Sporting Gijon game last Saturday, you might wonder. Los Blancos took to the pitch in a kit made entirely from plastic recovered from the world’s oceans and while it’s tough to criticise the motivation to highlight the fact that human beings are bloody awful, I’m not sure this is the way to do it.

That said, fair play to Cristiano. He’s been trying to find a legitimate way to flash his tadger at us since that day in 2003 when Gary Neville out muscled him in the dinner queue at Carrington and this is about as close as one can get to full nudity without an arrest warrant being issued.

Never thought I’d yearn for the days of the triumphant knicker selfie.

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While we’re on the subject of upsetting visual imagery, here’s Philippe Coutinho arriving for a scan this morning. He went off after sustaining an ankle injury during Saturday’s 2–0 win over Sunderland and could be out for a ‘lengthy spell’, whatever the hell that means.

Awful for Liverpool fans, but at least the rest of us get to enjoy the moment, courtesy of a quick thinking Twitter account and the magic of Vine…

Almost as glorious as those Keysy ‘Just banter’ vines. Almost.

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No thinly veiled dig at modern football would be complete without a mention of the country’s most popular football phone in and the glorious punters that populate it.

On Saturday, a man called Sean called BBC606 and boldly claimed that Claudio Ranieri had lost the Leicester City dressing room and should be sacked.

He then went on to suggest that Nigel Pearson is the man to lift them out of their league malaise, which sees them in 14th position with only three wins from a possible thirteen.

Still only the second funniest thing that’s happened to Robbie Savage on live radio though. Lest we forget.

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by Kelly Welles