I have many things to work on. I have been thinking about all of them, and one of them at the very forefront of my mind was tested today. I have a lot of unresolved anger, stemming from a variety of sources. My upbringing and the complete lack of love and direction I received during my formative years would likely be the culprit as Freud would say. That unresolved anger has a habit of derailing my life when I allow it to. I don’t want that in my life anymore.
My mother, like yours, was not a very nice person. I know we’ve touched on this a bit at least in the past concerning our relative childhoods. I blame her for many of the things that are socially wrong with me today, but I am trying Sarah. I swear to you that I am. You have opened my eyes to cause and effect and correlation. I don’t want to be this downtrodden person anymore. Do you know what I did as I sat by her bedside, the night she finally succumbed? I wrote. I sat there and typed out an entire piece which I posted on my blog concerning forgiveness for past transgressions. Her passing did little to affect me. She died, end of fucking story. Not a single tear was shed then or since by me concerning her death, and likely never will. What DID prompt me to cry on that night however? Your phone call shortly thereafter, where you told me that your now soon to be ex husband had raped you the previous night. I know you don’t like to categorize it as such, but that is what happened. I was livid, furious. I would have killed him right there on the spot if he magically materialized in front of me at that moment. It took a long time for that anger to subside. It never did fully and it never will. My heart broke into a million pieces for you that night as you tried to explain away his actions. Sitting here now and recalling that night it still does…
Something happened today that should have infuriated me. It did as a matter of fact. I had every right to be angry. I got ripped off, taken for a fool, and lost $600. I have no way of recovering it. Then I thought of you, and how you would handle the situation. The truth is I have no recourse. Double talking corporate fine print insulates the offending party from any action on my part. That money is as good as gone, and there is nothing I can do about it. Sure, I could choose to sit here and be utterly pissed about it, launch a tirade and direct my anger at one or two entities for my shitty luck, but at the end of the day what exactly would that accomplish? Nothing. I have harbored anger and resentment for the balance of my lifetime, and it has gotten me precisely nowhere.
The point is…I’m trying Sarah. Desperately I am. I am examining every conceivable angle, and will continue to do so as this blog progresses. I love you dearly, and this separation is killing me to the point that I know that I have to change for you, for me, for my life to stop jumping off the rails and start getting back on track. I need you to see my thought processes. I want you to know I am not taking any of this lightly. You are the woman that I love, the woman that I need…today was a test, and I passed. It will be the first of many in the coming months. It’s been a long time coming. This does not happen overnight, obviously…I just needed to be shoved into action after a year of planning these changes.
I hope and pray all is well with you