Spicer Hops Down the Bunny Trail

President Trump loves Sean Spicer like a son, a bastard son, and has a new and exciting role for him, as head of the new Presidential Cheering Directorate. So disappointed was the president in Spicer’s inability to turn the recalcitrant press into a post-election rally force, Trump has handed Sean one last-ditch assignment. He will orchestrate the nation’s first coast-to-coast presidential adoration “wave”. (The president saw a wave once at a Washington Nationals baseball game, and wanted to be the focal point.) So gleeful was Trump after his recent cabinet meeting that he wants all 50 states to declare their love by having Americans go outside at precisely the right time, raise their arms and cheer at the top of their lungs. Using stolen voter phone numbers, people will receive texted timing instructions, which must be followed or be branded as disloyal. The national wave will be captured by satellite and broadcast on GlobalTrumpTV at nominal extra cost. Spicer did not respond to questions regarding whether he will be wearing his famous bunny suit, but an anonymous White House source revealed that the floppy-eared costume was just dry-cleaned.