8 Things Every Person (With Small Kids) Should Do Before 8 A.M.

I keep seeing articles on Medium about all of these amazing lifestyle tips that will make you a superhuman productivity beast with the creative powers of Picasso and the intellect of five Eisteins.

Then I read them and realise the authors clearly don’t have kids. So I thought I’d quickly throw together my own “how to start the day the best way” list for those of us with little people.

1) Get woken up at 5am by the glorious dawn chorus of the little cherubs screaming “mummy”/”daddy”.

2) After a night of being woken up every 2 hours by children who seemingly have organised a shift rotation in advance.

3) Pointlessly try and reason with a toddler that their Gro Clock still says it’s night time so they should still be asleep. Sub-task for the super-organised: Contemplate if this is why people invented the idea of monsters being under the bed.

4) Have a cup of tea/coffee to try and keep your eyes open.

5) Get at least half the people in the house at least half dressed. This is a massive victory. Over-achievers may even want to go for the fabled 75%-75%.

6) Have another cup of tea/coffee. Is it working yet?

7) Wonder how someone as incompetent as Postman Pat manages to keep his job, and also why nobody complains that he opens every parcel so he knows what he’s delivering, the nosey git.

8) Invent teacoffee. Have a cup of it. It doesn’t work, and also tastes disgusting. But it is your breakfast.