Mating Behavior of Asexual Organisms

The truth is finally revealed…well….sort of

I have two wonderful daughters. Not sure who the mothers are. My older one, very intuitive, thought I could use some inside information on women. She gave me a book called “The Female Brain”, written by a neuropsychiatrist by the name of Louann Brizendine. The main premise of the book is that women’s brains and behaviors are quite different from men’s. (Now there’s a shocker). The first five pages discuss the physiology of the female brain (frontal lobe, hippocampus, etc) and the next 1423 pages touch on psychology and behavior. Cool. I need all the help I can get.

“What about the male brain” I asked.

“Oh yeah. Here you go.” She handed me a Post-It note.

Apparently, Abraham Maslow, the renowned psychologist from the 1940’s, studied the male brain extensively and discovered men’s hierarchy of needs. He distilled it down to 4 bullet points:

· Sex

· More sex

· Food/alcohol

· TV/internet if the subjects are related to sex, food or alcohol

This makes it rather simple to understand men. Women, on the other hand….a little more like trying to solve complex, theoretical physics problems with an abacus. If you get my point. However, a topic which most of us don’t think about, probably because we don’t care, is the asexual brain.

Among the tens of thousands of species of animals here on earth there multiple genders. 1) Males — who have a penis and testicles (with the exception of my former CEO who is a total dick and has no balls) 2) Females — who have ovaries and a vagina, which they guard like Fort Knox 3) Asexuals — who possess both male and female sex organs, also known as hermaphrodites. This is quite common in sea creatures, like hammerhead sharks. Asexuals are not to be confused with transgenders; ie, a woman who becomes a “man” having undergone the operation known among medical professionals as an adadictomey. It appears that this “phenomenon” of asexuality is relatively common in our oceans and that these asexual animals can reproduce by, and with, themselves. It’s nature’s way of ensuring that all creatures, regardless of how ugly or annoying they are, or if they live in the vastness of the seas or in midtown Manhattan, can get laid. It is, however, not generally agreed upon by scientists, that when two individual asexual organisms copulate that it is considered group sex, or even gay or lesbian sex. But it is agreed upon by all experts that if two asexual organisms of different species copulate that it’s still morally repugnant and punishable by fine or imprisonment (which usually means a nice aquarium in a dentist’s waiting room containing other marine social outcasts). The questions that most everyone wants to know the answers to are about the mating rituals and sexual behavior in asexual animals. I will address these using our hammerhead shark example. Picture a beautiful, balmy, Friday evening just off the coast of Bora Bora. End of the work week and the guy part of the hammerhead shark brain has been looking at hot, wet, bikini-clad female swimmers all day. He has one thing on his male half-brain. Getting laid (go figure). But even for the asexual creature, he knows he has to swim through some hoops (also known as being romantic) to appease the female side of the shared shark brain. The female part of the shark brain is stressed because the guy part has been looking at bikini-clad swimmers instead of attacking them and bringing home dinner. To make matters worse the girl brain parts of her hammerhead friends are telling her that the guy part of her brain is a big loser and she ought to get a lobotomy (the asexual equivalent of a divorce, less the staggering attorney fees and baby shark support). In other words, she is not in a good mood. Sex is the furthest thing on her half of the shared mind. Here’s how the scenario unfolds: Guy part of shark brain: “So darling. How about a nice romantic dinner tonight? I’ve heard that there’s a new restaurant, Coral’s Reef, and it’s pretty good.” Girl part of shark brain: “You never listen to a word I say. Do you? You know I don’t like seafood.” Guy brain: “Friday nights they usually have the capsized boat victim specials. I hear there is a Weight Watchers Cruise catch-of-the-day and it’s all you can eat. Sounds delish, doesn’t it?” Girl brain: “I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve swimming in circles all week. You were supposed to catch dinner today too. I suppose you were out at the bars sponging off your friends again. I think we can stay home. Besides, I’m crabby tonight.” Guy brain: “How about I call out for a surfer pizza? We’ll watch a nice romantic comedy like ‘Jaws’ and get to bed early….heh, heh, heh….wink, wink.” Girl brain: “You’re such a guy. All you think about is sex, sex, sex.” Guy brain: “But honey. I’m in such an amorous mood tonight….your share of pectoral fin cleavage is titillating… And I love you dearly…really…sweetie pie….darling.” Girl brain: “Why can’t you be more like Lefty, your octopus friend with the eight testicles, and just take care of yourself for once?” Guy brain: “That’s tentacles, not testicles. And besides, each tentacle has like a hundred suckers on it. (Smiles). It’s like an orgy. And in case you haven’t realized we have no thumbs on our fins. You’re always tired and you don’t care about my needs.” Girl brain: “Why don’t you go fuck yourself!”

(author notes: I have researched the etiology of the term “go fuck yourself” and sure enough, it originated with asexual organisms from New York City, millions of years ago, which for many of us occurred around the same time we put in the first call to the AT&T Help Desk. Also, feel free to add in your own favorite sex term here; copulate, bang, schtupp, etc. As the experts all agree, hammerheads do not use the “f—- word”.)

Conclusion: For a shark, fucking itself seems a much safer option than say, performing oral sex on itself. If that were to happen the shark would not be asexual much longer IYKWIMAITYD (if you know what I mean and I think you do). In a certain region of the world, also known as the “Shark Dick Circle”, shark penises are used as a female aphrodisiac, much like powdered rhinoceros horn, or for guys, simply waking up in the morning. As your interest in asexual animals grows you will most likely want answers to more vexing problems like “do the organisms go to the Nordstrom half yearly sales for men or women?’’ “Does the toilet seat go down or stay up?” “How do their kids celebrate mother’s day and father’s day.” And most importantly “Does the guy wear a condom or the girl use the pill?” These will require a little more research so I will have to get back to you.

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