Actual First Date Scenarios

I found this old blog I wrote in ’07. A few of us ladies were sitting around the living room with some wine telling first date stories. Still funny as hell. I added commentary, updated for ’18 and added a couple. . .

To ensure a 2nd date, don’t:

• Show up drunk. Is that too much to ask? (Rookie move!)
• Show up whacked on a mixture of homemade amphetamines which may cause you to let an entire ice cream cone melt down your arm/long-sleeved shirt without you noticing. (Can I have that recipe, though?)
• Tell her “I don’t drink tea because it rhymes with pee.” (Hmm…what rhymes with vagina…we good?)
• Tell her how much money you make (no class)
• Upon first hug, put your hand underneath her shirt and touch the skin of her back and say “mmmm” (mouth-breather)
• Point to your penis in the car after you pick her up, telling it “You get down, you get down!” (still could be a compliment, though)
• Ask her to “Pray for the Jews that they will find Jesus.” (No way! Yah, way.)
• Go into explicit detail about a recent sexual encounter with your neighbor, your grandmother’s age, from beginning to completion (I even got to know where he landed his macho gazpacho. That’ll ruin a sushi dinner.)
• Repeatedly itch your balls (This is an after-commitment move, bro.)
• Clip your fingernails with your teeth at the table (Go to a groomer!)
• Walk by Victoria’s Secret and say “Ooh yeah, I like to dress all my ladies in lingerie.” (The bad taste in lingerie is probably worse than the comment.)

And lastly:

If you happen to make a pit stop at her nearby apt en route to next location, don’t think that her going to the restroom quickly is code for ‘Please be standing naked in the hallway masturbating when I come out.’ (It’s really too bad Snapchat wasn’t around then, because this would have been a dog-ear-slop-tongue face filter wanking off in the hallway with a strategically placed eggplant emoji. Tagged.)

//Ya know, there’s someone for everyone. All these dudes are proably settled down, and I’m the one who’s still single. Silly me, wanting some sanity peppered with decorum.//

Love,

F