To Me, From Me
So yesterday was a really tough day for me. For those of you that know me, you might think that I’m about to get into a rant about North Carolina winning the national title last night. Listen, I hate North Carolina, I’m a Duke basketball fan. I’ve hated them ever since I found out my father was a fan, I’m the contrarian of the family. Even with all of that hatred I wanted to see them win last night. End rant.
But, day was rough because it was 7 years to the day I lost my mother. Boy oh boy was it a tough day. I mean I woke up angry. I just woke up being an asshole for the first 2 hours. But who wouldn’t be angry on a Monday, Dre? Great question reader, you’re right. I thought that because it was Monday, it was fine to be a little angry. But, something just didn’t feel right. So I had to apologize to the person I was hanging around for that.
A little later on things were just not real. I can’t describe it besides it was a surreal feeling. Like I felt like I didn’t belong or that I needed something to happen. So, I decide to go for a walk with my camera. But, right when I was walking I started to feel tightening in my chest. At that moment I felt paralyzed. I was paralyzed from the waist up. My feet and legs were working, but my mouth wasn’t moving, my chest tightened up, and I just felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to stop, sit, and stare. In the park. Alone.
After a nap, I thought I was going to be better. That just was not true. After watching the awful national championship game, I had to walk home. This is where it really hurt. I had gotten a text from my Uncle 2 hours earlier, and thats when it finally hit me. This was the day. All day I couldn’t figure it out and in that moment I was woke to the fact that she was not here. That walk home hurt like hell. It was raining, I was crying, Carolina had won, it was terrible.
You know what, that is exactly what I needed. A good fucking cry. My mother is gone, but will never be forgotten. It may seem that I totally forgot about her, until my Uncle texted me, but it wasn’t that at all. Everything about the day would tell me otherwise. Her born day and her death day will always be with me. I will always feel some type of way on those days. Yesterday was tough, but there’s no way my mother isn’t proud of me right now. I know she is. I might think I’m struggling, but it’s ok. She’s so proud.
I don’t ask you to care about any of this. This is just the way I was feeling. I think without a doubt it’s easier to write things down and express them. That’s what the internet should be. A big think tank. A big feeling tank. No judgement, just facts. K, bye.