The First Priority
I was sitting and mulling over some ideas to myself before ruminating about the past. Then my mind wandered and lingered in a space probably from recent frustration. This has lead to beating myself up in my head of course. The shadow boxing is the result of trauma caused by a relationship with an abusive person. I’m married to a narcissist. By now most know the DSM has change the term sociopath to narcissistic syndrome.
Lately, I’ve been mulling over how I’ll be able to start fresh when the average work age at this time is thrity five. There are many countries that won’t even let a person my age emmigrate. Further, I am not well. In fact, I’m critically ill. I was a very successful human being and as I was experiencing a fantastic career change I was made an offer for a position I consciensly worked towards. The next day I was in ICU with a collapsed lung. Two and a half months would pass before I was released from my hospital bed and three pneumothorax machines. Looking back I think I can finally gauge how incredible that was. But I must confess I really didn’t see nor feel that way about it. It was like missing the train at the station. Most of my life if I ran into an obstable I walked over to the otherside caught the train going downtown and often beat the missed train going uptown. But that was not the case this time. This time life really did pause for me and dangerously came close to being the last stop.
As I was about to receive another one of life’s career gifts I met someone that I found incredibly attractive and inaccessible for low self esteem reasons. You know That damaging belief that someone is out of your reacch because you’re not good enough for them or rich enough for them or skinny enough for them, etc.
When I first began work at the company as a consultant he was the first person I saw sitting in front of a large picture window. He made me pause as I was approaching the entrance. There were many many warning signs later but I have to admit I ignored them all. The Universe did all it could to frighten me out of their life and into a different gate on a different path but I took the one of least and amourous resistance. Despite the first warning sign; me loosing my job and he loosing his job; I told myself that this person was ‘the one a keeper’ when clearly this person’s life showed that they weren’t the one for ‘anyone.’ Not even the spouse that they had and I watch put up with how terrible life was with this person. Worst I fell head over heels for someone that has accomplices: co-dependent family. They knew this individual was sick and that I was critically ill. I understand now they only made sure that this person was not coming to them for lengthy stays or digs or money. They wanted someone outside their circle to deal with their mental health skeleton in the closet.
I got the warning bell as this person began countering everything they told me until by all accounts we were becommng total strangers. This and some other frightening violent characterisics showed they were not only not capable of a commitment they were revealing the tell tale signs of a pathological liar. At every juncture they rewrote our entire story and manifested a new sinister identity for me in order to disfigure and destroy the real me. I attempted to walk away and asked them to leave many times but unlike me they had a plan. They had priorities.
Their parasitic third eye sensed I hadn’t learned my lesson. After I went back home several states away shortly after they eventually followed me with all their household belongings and mother and cat in tow. I fell for the old I’m coming to live there but we need to live separate ploy used to rowse the hurt child within me. Without a plan or priorities in place I was manipulated into aiding and abetting. With the help of his accommodative family I was hooked. I thought I was being welcomed to the fold. I was really being led to the game table where I would get played and none of them bothered to warn me and stop it from happening. Let’s move on to what came across my mind just now before putting finger to keys.
I wondered to myself about this person and drew conclusions I’d drawn before about him. Like laundry; wash, rinse, repeat. As I turned over in my mind his abuses and hacks to my worthiness, decency, creativity, and confidence. For the first time the question I asked myself was this: Why did a sucessful person take up with someone that was clearly a looser. At the least a wolf. I had everything so why? I sifted through memories playing them back one by one like rerun movies. At the same time I happened to be finishing up providing an opinion about that football player Kapernik when the combination of what I was doing and what I was ruminating over caused me to formulate an idea about what drove him to protest. I concluded that the recent social disturbances made him feel he needed to take action. It was the act of prioritization. He placed the lives of others over the sheeplike duty of saluting the flag. He knew how much the flag meant to people and used it as a tool to show his solidarity to those he felt were being ignored as unimportant. He did this in front of millions as a sign of committment to an idealology but also to point out the hypocracy. He substituted a form of worship for a set of ideals that placed importance on the human being first. It was his way of prioritizing that forced him to take action regardless the angry mob. As people regarded him with ridicule and curses I found myself admiring his courage. While commenting about his heroic action I was trying to put it into perspective by going through the lexicon of euphamisms to express such courage. Out of that fog the word that explained it precisely was Priority. This person had priorities and those priorities helped him make a decision and put it into an action or plan.
Of late I’ve been creating some positive feedloops that entail going over old glory days and past accomplishments. No different than a sports figure admiring his trophies and gold rings. I felt good about them. I worked hard and loved what I did. Soon memories were clouded over as I fast forwareded to today into the present moment. When I reached the present the question that settled square on my shoulders was this; how could a talented poised individual in my position get involved with this kind of person? How does that happen? The conclusion I reached: No priorities.
Aside from Kapernick there was another catalyst responsible for this epiphany. A Facebook post depicted a spiritual couple holding each other. The post was about women learning to put themselves first before men especially when evidence shows their partner has nothing to offer them in term of growth. These men often depend on the women to rescue them from their weaknesses and inability to provide for their families or for themselves. I scrolled down to read all the comments and did a few likes here and there. With each post I read there was this eye opening affirmation. A feeling washed over me as I adjusted my lens. I pushed the mental save button and leaned back staring deeply into the past hesitantly and perhaps regretfully.
Narcissism has reached a worldwide phenomena that has created would be therapists claiming to be subject matter experts on youtube and periscope. I resumed doing what I was doing and paused to recycle my thoughts. I realized the word priority was not a very familiar one. As a fog lifted a feeling of relief came over me and rested square sagging my shoulders. I thought had I made the proper priorities I wouldn’t have wasted time with someone that didn’t have me or their family figured in the right order. That would have violated a personal value system whose directive to take care of oneself is never compromised. Otherwise it’s the blind leading the blind. I said the word aloud to myself. Priority. The room shifted and felt like the eye of a storm hung over head. During a hurricane when all goes incredibly silent eventually the sun comes out and fools the unwise and inexperienced into thinking the storm has passed. On the contrary it’s actually gathering steam. when it reverses with a vegeance it’ll be a reckoning for the disadvantaged as it doubles it’s intensity. For a moment I basked in the silence until I heard an almost imperceptible hum in the air. Rather than deny or take cover I was resolute and I stood judged as guilty. Not the kind of guilt that you’ll carry like a load of rocks. I mean the kind that is both punishing and freeing. I said the sentence out loud ‘’I didn’t have my fucking priorities in order period.’’ A quiet settled over me and a weight lifted. Considering my present financial position that’s very remarkable. I am broke and on disability with a house that is under icebergs not just water. It’s located in an area of the country that I can no longer reside in due to weather conditions and toxins permeating the air.
This person knows that I cannot go home yet they refuse to do what’s necessary to find a job and get us somewhere safe and affordable. At the least as my spouse take a position in a state that wouldn’t irritate and further my condition. There is no doubt that this person used me to get to their own retirement and possibly leave me holding the bag by skipping the country. They’re intent looks to be searching outside the USA. They know I cannot fly for health reasons. They also know if I divorce now I run the risk of not getting enough spousal support thereby being relegated to abject poverty. Basially on the streets
homeless. This person is hoarding money and supplements my income only enough for me to buy food and pay rent but nothing else. In the meantime They’re going to outings that require money. I get emails that constantly state they’re getting packages and buying expensive IT gadgets and special books. I don’t have enough left to pay my deductable when I got to the doctor. I’m also faced with the possibility I may have to get on the transplant list after seeing my physician in October, however, this person does not show the least bit of concern regarding my safety or transplant options. I am forced despite being chronic to try and live a life that shortens my life because I dont have the physical resources or emotional support from my spouse. Every idea or risk I take they destroy with abuse be it physical, emotional or mental or economic. Am I Rapunzel in a tower waiting to be rescued by my narcissist spouse: Actually no. I am looking into things I hope to keep me out of poverty and on my feet both financial and personal. But I have to sneak and do it behind his back. They try to spy on me via social network as I build my image online. Every now and then someone we both know wants to friend me when I never talk to that person or hear from that person. They’re people they know. They’re ghost in the machine.
As I turned the word priority over and over in my mind I looked at my behavior for the last fifteen years with this person and drew the terrible conclusion that I did not put myself first. This person peered into my psychye and saw that I had character flaws they could take advantage of and use for their own benefit and to my disadvantage. I’m not feeling pity for myself. On the contrary, all of sudden as I reach this conclusion I’m released from the self perpetuating metal hell called delusion about this person but also about myself. Obviously when I take inventory my priorities were never in order my entire life. This I now realize is due to the fact that I was not a priority to my parents. My mother up until the last time I spoke to her last year remined me she never wanted any children. That her dreams were tabled and ruined because of childbirth and worthless men. Yada Yada Yada. That message was godsmacked to my brain like a post it note with super glue for absolute permanence. That note was stuck to my personal manifest it was in fact my priority to remember. How could I be in a successful relationship when I never planed and I never had any priorities. I was already convinced I didn’t
matter after all I wasn’t on anyone’s priority list from the start. I didn’t matter; that was my souls mantra and like a beacon it sent signals that attracted parasites. This kind of person looks for partners that send those kind of signals so they can groom them to be used abused and then discarded like a condom. The whole escapade relies upon a successful demolition and complete tear down. When they begin doing so it’s a strong indicator they’re ready to move on. You’re history they’re completely done. Often victims of narcissists are left completely destroyed. What little remains they trash with insults on the way out. The amount of attention they provide to get to that lost child inside you is in no way matched by the surgical percision replaced with wrecking ball madness that tears you down with finality. They stroll away with the newly groomed lost child never looking back. This kind of characer exercises destruction of innocent people like a paranormal being. The best you can do if there’s anything left of you is move on. Prioritze it with the same precision they used while dismantaling you in front of all your friends, family and co-workers. All the while suffering through paying for therapy while trying to leave through the physical door. Meantime your mental door is off hinge and swinging widly back and forth. That’s their signal to walk. Your soul is fried: Checkmate.
Priorities of the self is your best and only real friend. without the priority of self and prioritizing for you alone first and foremost you will be foder to those that can spot a lost child a relationship. Recent in fact. As was the case with me. As I turn the idea over in my mind I realize how empty my life has been from a relationship perspective. My childhood was a mirror of that or shall I say vice verse. As I said before, I am not in that guilt mode of poor me and I hate myself. I’ve had enough counseling to know that there’s no change with those attitudes. If change is to come I’ve got to grab hold of ‘yes I can.’ At my age its too easy to say I’m too old and no I can’t but I know that’s a bunch of malarkey. I can and each and every day I will regardless of my economic situation. What’s really different about the way I see it might be called a pink cloud of reason and rationale. I’m pinching myself as I sit totally sparked by this realization. As a result of illness I stay in dry climes for more than a year. This I realize was part of his plan since he’s known for years that I had to move we had to move. But he refused to look for work. He kept prompting me to go ahead of him and he’d follow. But I knew he was lying. He does a haphazard search to look like a caring concerned and forlorn spouse. While he pretends so everyone is led to believe him. I know the truth. Regardless, what’s important: my priorities. Not loose sight of them again by watching his clown act meant to distract me while he disconnects from me. When he does provide attention it’s to keep me emotionally glued to him providing him with a daily dosage of whatever attention he’s seeking. I think I’ll wake up everyday and say the word priority and claim it with an exact plan relative to my priority? It’s impossible to commit to priority if you don’t have a detailed plan.
We don’t come into this life by way of perfection. It’s hard to believe at times that it took me decades to unravel this mystery. I had to learn from my mistakes to reach a conclusion that most take for granted. That individuals must put themselves first for the sake of preservaion. In an environement with two people capable of self analysis that are adept at prioritizing and making good decisions there is little to no concealment or ignorance on that level. There is no strife like the kind that would prohibit not foster prioritizing ones self. The sort of dysfunction that promotes self centeredness and manipulation isn’t present in that vacuum centerpiece called home. Some of us get the complete opposite for whatever reason. Only through life experiences and making comparisons do we learn the truth. If we are lucky and if we have the presence of mind we can shift our lives into a place that is nurturing and self preserving. Life is about learning and growing. But most of all prioritizing to get the most and best of out of both. Each days plan should start with priority number one: you. I can no longer afford to forget that. The law of the jungle.
