Did you know masturbation is engaging in a sexual act with your own gender?

Some would call that homosexuality.

But they’re stupid. So don’t worry your delicate little masculinities, Heterobots.

You see, sexual acts and sexuality are two different things. A fact lost on one woman whose Facebook post I read that stated homosexuality was unnatural because the penis wasn’t meant to go into a man’s rectum.

So unless she’s never seen any of the free and easily accessible porn on the Internet, even accidentally (as what happens so often to myself), surely she should know that going “in through the ‘out’ door” isn’t a thing only gay men do.

However, her point–like many of this type of homophobe–is that a thing is morally wrong if it goes against the so-called original design of Nature, God or whatever — kinda like the argument some have against GMO foods.

Using that logic, I offer this: I will fully back your belief that homosexuality is wrong because it’s anti-natural, if–and only if–you apply the same logic to everything else.

So here is a starter list of a few things you must stop doing immediately.

Using Electricity

This one was God’s signature display of power. The thing that made the heavens shake. The thing that could literally strike down the unfaithful…and you took that from Him, from Zeus and from Thor. You took just to use it for actual power power?! Shame on you.

Watching Movies

So what you’re saying is: You enjoy spending hours, sometimes in a dark room with a bunch of strangers, watching a replica of a reality that never really existed? You seem to have a slight obsession with suspending disbelief of fantastical stories. Don’t worry. You’re not alone.

Drinking Coca-Cola

You mean to tell me that when you’re thirsty on a hot summer day, rather than drink all-natural water from a stream (as you do), you’d rather trick yourself into thinking you’ve quenched your thirst with a drink that makes you thirstier and unhealthier? And you make it cold with frozen water that you don’t touch? Sure. Sounds totally au naturel.


Would a monkey extract metal from the ground, heat it to volcanic temperatures, bang on it until it’s deathly sharp, and then proceed to slide it across the surface of its body, risking bleeding, just to take off its hair? No. Because it’s not fucking natural. And now that I think about it, it’s kinda weird.

Using the Internet

Porn was never meant to free and easily accessible. It devalues the personal experience…and takes money out of pockets of hard working artists that now have to deal with streaming and pirating. The industry wasn’t ready. That’s why JAY Z and TIDAL are trying to change all that. To give more money to the creators…oh…oops. Wrong industry. Sorry, it’s easy to confuse the two.

Know what makes the Internet unnatural? It’s telepathy. And if God/Nature wanted us to have telepathy, then he’d have created mutants, like the X-Men, which, by the way, is a metaphor for the gay rights movement. God/Nature doesn’t make mutations, right? I mean, evolution is just a theory, just like Einstein’s General Relativity, which describes Gravity–that old liberal hoax.

Fellatio & Cunnilingus

Mouths and tongues were built for talking, breathing, eating, tasting, drinking, vomiting, and spitting. Only. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently. It’s only coincidental (or an outright hoax) that the mouth/tongue combination is so seemingly naturally and beautifully designed for providing 100% certified free range artisanal organic orgasmic pleasure on genitalia. Think of all the species of creatures with mouths. Sharks. Rhinoceroses. Octopi. Whatever. How many of them (outside of ceryain cringe-worthy YouTube interspecies “relations” videos) perform these unnatural acts on their mates, in orgies or on random drunken hookups? Exactly.

In Conclusion…

So, my biologically moral…uh…err…morally biological homophobes, forsake all unnatural abominations, and I shall embrace your beliefs with all my heart.

I swear.

P.S. If you want to know if an activity you’re participating in is against Nature/God, consult me, or a random homophobe. We’re both experts in these matters.

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