What Now Looks Like

I’m not sure what it “looks” like. But it feels like the purest form of myself. Like the edge of the absolute version.

What happens if I look over that edge and peer into the depths of what is the truth? I guess I’ll just see the truth. And what if the truth is that there is no truth?

Patterns. I can feel my brain working in almost the exact way that I learned it works. A pattern recognition and prediction machine. And perhaps the universe is just a pattern generator without an end in itself — with endless predictions. The pattern is constantly changing, but that endless change also is a pattern, and a much more intricate version of the previous. Patterns within patterns. Schemes within schemes.

I’m always on the edge of knowing what I want to express, but words don’t do their job, regardless of how articulate you are. Or maybe I’m not that articulate or able to understand such an articulation, since details matter. That’s where the devil and the gods are at. And when you simplify, you lose the truth. Unless the definition of a word invented can mean all that you mean. You know what I mean?

I feel like the alchemists of old who hadn’t the words, so they made drawings of the relationships between things from earth to the heavens. I can’t draw very well anyway. I never really tried. And words, well…words are my tool of choice. Written ones more so than the spoken ones. When written, I can overthink until I simplify out of exhaustion. Then my elephant-inside-the-boa simplicity is often misunderstood as a hat. Or perhaps I give myself too much credit in my Little Prince complex.

This is now. I need an oculus that looks over that edge, so I can know what’s ahead. But then again, if I look at the pattern set that is me, then I think I can probably figure it out. I mean, that’s what brains do, right? Periphery vision.

Yes, I know what’s there.

I open my eyes. I rise. I always rise.

This is what now looks like, whatever now is. Whatever it is, it’s unedited. Because you can’t edit now. Or later. You only wish you can.

But you can edit the future, now.