Modern Jane; Straightforward Pain

(I am writing this in the middle of the night after work and am exhausted, so if this isn’t as good as I anticipated, I apologize.)

Dear boy. Scratch that. Hello! Scratch that again. What’s up from the other side of the World! Nope. Not right. Try again. Eff it.

Hello boy, it’s me. Heartbreak

Hello boy,

I hope the sea is treating you well. I truly hope it is, because depending on your mood, your stress level, or your metaphorical hearts’ strength; my words may not. You may hate me after this, which I think is quite childish, to be point blank. You may read this as a Dear John letter and it may be just that. But we really haven’t gotten to be a Dear John kind of relationship yet. So, it is okay if we aren’t friends after everything I have to say. I have decided it isn't fair if I am not straight forward with you when I ask the same of you. After every phone call and text you send telling me how terrible I am at writing back, I feel more and more anxious. I don’t feel like we are just friends anymore. I suppose it is always going to be that complicated between a gal and guy. So here it is, prepare to take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

I am not good for you. We will not be good for each other. We cannot be in a relationship. I have very valid reasoning for these thoughts. The most obvious being, boy, is that we will be miles and hours apart from each other. I know some relationships survive and thrive long distance, I know some that have failed (my previous 2 year relationship included). But I know that it won’t work out. I do not WANT that kind of relationship.

I am a woman who needs a man that can hold me when I’ve cried because I was so frustrated with work or life. I am a soul who longs for a companion that wants to explore with her and dance in the kitchen with the lights dimmed low. I am a girl who wants to just cuddle on the couch with her love and watch Disney movies (or scary movies/thrillers, no preference really) all night. I have never really experienced the things other couples have with their relationships. And it saddens me. Makes me think, “why am I not good enough, why am I always the hidden girlfriend?” I am always the one left watching friends cuddled together all the time and I just want to run. The pressure of not being like everyone else sometimes eats away at my heart. If we were long distance, I would resent you for not being there with me, for not giving my friends back (because let us face it, when friends couple up, they only hang out with other couples). So I am going to hate you. For not being there the way I want you to be.

The second reason: I need someone who I KNOW can handle my ‘dark’ days, my idiosyncrasies and everything that comes with being my “Prince Charming”. Can you handle me on days when I go back to the days in the orphanage? Will you be able to hold me and wipe my tears when I start sobbing because my mother and I had a fight, because she told me how terrible I was? Will you be able to just be the one to listen when I tell you about a flash back I woke up from? Are you going to tell me I am not crazy for seeing a therapist? Are you going to be okay with me not going to church on a Sunday because I am just too anxious to be around people that day? Will you be okay with not going to my family home because I cannot stand to be there for more than a day? Will you be okay with the fact that I may not be able to carry any of your children? You may be able to. But you won’t be here long enough for me to find out.

You are going to ask why won’t I just give it a try? In fact, you already have asked. I need you to just HEAR me when I say all of this. You went straight from asking me on a date, to starting a long distance relationship with me! You are a man who is looking so earnestly for a wife, that you forget about the ‘girlfriend’ part of relationships. Whatever happened to ‘courting’ a lady before any kind of serious relationship?! You want a wife, while I am still finding myself. Of course, I want some of the things relationships have to offer, but if you are not around to share life with me, I don’t want to waste either of our precious time. I want to start at step one through five, whereas want to jump right to step eight.

I have been doing really well with feeling better about myself, but I have so much more progress left! The thing about people who were orphans or were adopted right off the bat even, is that we find it hard to get close to anyone. When we do, it means we trust them. It takes a long time for me to trust someone. I have gotten my heart broken over and over again and each time, my walls get a little bit thicker and taller. How can I feel close to you when you cannot give me at least 98% of your attention?

Right now, you are not good for me. I am a lot of work, I know I can be a lot to deal with. Can you deal with me? Boy, I can tell you this now. I am not the woman who you are looking for. She is out there. It is just not me. I don’t even know who the woman I will become after I’m done with her will be. I am still trying to fall in love with myself. So please, don’t try to make me fall in love with you. Don’t push anything on anyone. Just breathe, relax, live life. And you will bump into her, boy. That one girl that is perfect for you, whatever perfect in this world is. Dear boy, you are amazing, but that girl is still out there waiting for you just as you are waiting for her. ❤

With the best of the best wishes,

Modern Jane