Fool’s Gold by Anthoney Kelly

Hi, my name is Anthoney Kelly and I’m… a San Francisco 49ers fan…

I know. I know. That’s terrible. See that picture? That’s me. And no I wasn’t going to jump, I didn’t have a reason yet. There was a time when I proudly sported my team’s gear. Just 2-years ago, we 49ers fan were on cloud-nine. As fast as our rise to winning, our downfall came just as quick.

We had a great head coach that knew how to win at every stop he has made, a quarterback who was a potential highlight waiting to happen and we had a defense who could smother their opponents like gravy on biscuits… Sorry, but you get the point.

So, what the hell happened?!

I’m glad you asked.

Jed York and Trent Baalke. The Owner and General Manager of the San Francisco 49ers.

They are to blame for this mess. That shameful feeling you have when you wear your favorite 49ers jersey. You know, the anger you feel when you wear a Niner hat and some butthole says “Niner’s suck!”. You’re not mad at the fact he said it. No, you’re mad, because you know he’s right.

Lastly, the humiliation and sadness you feel because you know the next random person who is a Raiders fan can actually validate the same bullshit they talk every year, because finally there is one moment in the history of time that their stupid team is better than mine.

Yeah those fools are the ones to blame.

Jim Harbaugh: If by some miracle you come across this article, I just want to say I’m sorry. And I love you. I know they’re the ones that drove you out. I know they went behind your back and said you were all hype as you were just doing what you do best; Winning. I know how good you are. San Diego State, winning. Stanford, winning. San Francisco, winning. The University of Michigan, winning games and recruiting. You won almost 70% of your games as a NFL head coach and these jokers want to replace you with Wario? No wonder the likes of Patrick Willis and company decided to retire or leave. Yeah we had pieces, but we needed you to get over that hump of mediocrity. Instead of just being physical with an F, you brought out the rosters full potential and some.

Damn what a perfect segue.

Our roster now sucks. Like for real, for real. I’m pretty sure it is the worst in the NFL in all aspects of the game: special teams, offense and defense. We haven’t drafted anyone with significance to the team since Colin Kaepernick was drafted in 2011.

Read that last sentence one more time.

Well, there was Aldon Smith, but we all know how that played out. 2013 is the last time we added a player who had a positive impact on the team, with the addition of WR Anquan Boldin who is now a free agent. There are also rumors that they want to trade safety Antoine Bethea and offensive lineman Anthony Davis.

And we cannot forget about the dire Quarterback situation. Now say this name out loud. Blaine Gabbert. I don’t need to say anything else, you just know that’s not even the name of a quarterback. I don’t mean to be harsh but that’s life.

Colin Kaepernick, last year was ugly. You trained with Kurt Warner to develop more in your passing game. To become a more of a complete QB however, you regressed. I won’t go in as hard as McFly, but watching you play was as ugly as watching your throwing motion. Hopefully, this offseason has taught you a lot. The organization did you dirty with your shoulder and you looked for multiple landing spots — targets, if you will, and that was as successful as you running a passing play. It’s possible that you might stay but you still have to read all your options — is that clear enough?

Colin, maybe the hire of Chip Kelly is what you needed to get some magic back. Nick Foles, Mark Sanchez and Sam Bradford had their best seasons under him. And I have more faith in you than those jabronis. Or maybe you’ll be smart take that pay cut and play for the Broncos. Elway won three championships as the Denver Broncos Quarterback. That’s not a typo. I studied the film. If you look closely you can see marionette strings dangling from Peyton and that noodle arm of his. Don’t be like Brock and pass this opportunity for the money. You’ve already made horrible decisions in your still young career. For example, nude tattoo photoshoots or the beard and fro thing you got going. I wouldn’t blame you one bit for leaving.

My question to you, York and Baalke: What are we supposed watch? Who are we supposed to watch? Football is entertainment. It’s supposed to be a little interesting right? This roster is lame, boring, and weak. If memories serves me right, didn’t people stop going to games? The seats to that brand new stadium you just built that cost $1.3-billion were empty. I’m no financial expert, but that sounds like a shitty business. Maybe I will take my fandom to Oakland… No, I’d rather go back to the cliff in that picture and jump. But hurry up and fix this Jed.

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