She Hoped But Could Not Be Certain
She woke, beside her the man. The man, content, asleep. In sleep turned away, no groan, no sound, yes sound breath, soft rustle sheets, silence.
Eyes upon ceiling dark before sunrise. She stares into the brownish dusk of inside night.
When did this dream end? When did thoughts and goals, life’s direction diverge?
The dream had been black and white, color awake drained to sepiatic.
She woke to know together was the same, had been the same, could remain the same. Did she want the same?
Agreed once agreed. Seemed adventurous, taken away from herself away fro the forms. The plans made unspoken if spoken changed unspoken.
Carefree he’d seemed, loose yet driven hidden wounded unspoken. Thee was history sometimes shared. She’d believed ~ did he? Of course of course agreed.
They traveled ~ adventures, shared she gave him one place he another. Which pleased him?
Laying in the after dream she did not know. Questions light through a window before dawn if questions then answered because if questions answers implied.
Would there be change?
Did she resent? When? Was it so often, whose need took precedence? Can it matter if one need was greater, deeper. Did it bring conclusion? Was it greater deeper?
Discussions, notes refrigerated, left clues, left open but suddenly language was changed. Words blunt did not seem to mean dictionary useless words pronounced clearly meaning misdefined.
She quietly legs over edge out. Kitchen water tea dawn soon. Angry? yes. Sad? different word. How long had she known? Years. Years.
It was need, it was fear. Her own left behind he afforded that opportunity. Briefly her hobbies, it seemed, supported.
She worked, he studied, she saved, gave presents, he kissed said words — sometimes. Early young unfaithful yet faithful if she went to him.
She had sent mixed signals he had been angry she followed anger died ~ did it?
Tea clasped inhale.
He’d returned trip. There had been drama for him for her apart. Again, had been before.
Once before he’d gone said 2 returned in 1.
Fury found her frightened she did not want this she had needed 2 not 1. She listened his distress away she understood ~ enraged hidden she thinks.
Their friends (?) his then hers not often theirs. Saw compatibility saw mutual support saw what was presented and what they wanted to see.
They never were seen.
Brother and sister sometimes.
But not. She had no brotherly love to give.
The dream what had she done? Found that the craving for someone to fill — what?
Crux no bridge no filling a void that can only be filled by oneself. Ugh, an ugly pallid discovery. Pathetic? Probably.
Did she have friends? Some but at a distance. Knew many at a distance. Crux always a distance always a longing.
He was the brilliant, his career the shining was always on him while she?
At the window, reflected light, face North, in window. Hears him waking, begins coffee the cheese the bread a setting quietly fork knife plate cups.
Early poor together. That made somethings hidden easier. She had more strength then. Got things she needed tried to glow beside his shining.
She thinks, to the sound of showering, perhaps appreciated.
Guilty of how angry she is. He did not hold her back. Hers was a future uncertain.
Beginning this was unclear. Odd how each couple they saw seemed unlikely to persevere. The story they shared was a better than.
There were literary models, always creative pairs. She did not believe this was lip service. She fought rarely again because her anger was so great, volcanic eruptions she was frightened by what it revealed what it could destroy. Always afraid, always apologetic.
Was it lip service? Whose?
She bathed while he ate. He worked early she late. Did he kiss or hug? Too many questions in the air.
Her words his words they clashed it was no discussion. It was not an argument as nothing shared.
Dressed, her coffee and bread. Perhaps they had both given up so much to or was it for the other? His recognition was obscured to her. There was no meeting of the minds.
She made a list. Once done made another of demands then another in request. She saw the dissolutions of them and that she was just herself.
She knew she was not a good person.
She had the locks changed, movers packed his things to storage. A few notes about money but it was hers what little there was remained hers.
The dream of continuity was gone. The effort of maintaining “when you have arrived I’ll get my turn” that was the shattering. She was never going to get that.
It was uncertain if she could now.
It was certain that he was successful ~ on his way. Her leaving him focused him and if driven before, if shining, he became what he was.
They never spoke again. Her guilt, her silence too think and heavy. Her anger remained mostly hidden and others thought it her strength.
She woke alone older, the darkish brown light in the room unchanged. Did she change? She hoped but could not be certain.