When Breath Becomes Air
Beautiful. Intense. Thought-provoking. That's what this book is about.
You know those books that you finish within a few days, those that you simply can not control yourself from rapidly flipping through the pages, those books that leave you with new thoughts and ideas. What an exciting feeling it is to start a book with a set of thoughts and finish the book with a bundle of new thoughts that you can now explore, share, and of course, write about.
On the cover of “When Breath Becomes Air” by Pual Kalanithi, in between that very powerful title on its own, there's a sentence written in smaller font size, that poses an ironic question. “What makes life worth living in the face of death?”. Well, I think this is an ironic question because the axiom of any given life is that it is sure to end with death. He might as well have phrased the question as “What makes life worth living?”.
We are all aware of the end result of life, but most of us still tend to deny that one simple, never-changing time-ticking fact. I for one find myself pondering about life and it`s meaning several times a day but I don't think I ever really grasped the idea of death. I think the moment I truly grasp the idea of death I would probably make some drastic changes to my life. I think we all would. But ill be honest, there's something about not ever fully grasping that idea that comforts me and allows me to cast meaning into my personal life. As long as I'm alive and have the mental and physical ability to experience life, I rather live by the meaning and purpose I have created than go through life and have the truth of death linger in everything I do.
I think one of the experiences Pual tried to convey in his book, was a small glimpse into the existence of a human who has truly and fully comprehended the finitude of his very own being.
I find it astonishing that Pual managed to convey such an experience.
“I was searching for a vocabulary with which to make sense of death, to find a way to begin defining… the privilege of direct experience led me away from literature.. yet now I felt that to understand my own direct experiences, I would have to translate them back to language”
Before I jump even deeper into my takeaways and thoughts from this book, I will give you a laconic brief of Paul's story timeline. Paul was (He died while writing the book) a 37-year-old, American Neurosurgeon. He was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer right when he was about to finish his neurosurgical residency. In other words, death was handed to Pual, exactly when he was trying to make the most of the life he was given.
In his book, Pual shares some childhood anecdotes that explain to us, the readers why he chose neurosurgery as his profession. He tells us about his hobbies and shares stories about his personal and romantic life. All this was for us to have a glimpse into his inner world so we can have a better understanding of Paul's stance on life and be better receptors of the ideas Paul tried to convey to us throughout his book.
In the second part of his book, Pual describes his years as a surgical resident. He describes what it was like to be in complete control of a patient's life and identity (We will touch on this point later).
And in the third part of the book, he tells us how it feels when the coin is flipped and now he is the patient. Above all, He tries to convey what the existential state of being faced with an upcoming, early-bird death feels like.
What makes life meaningful enough to go on living?
Besides the very emotional and moving story, I was fascinated by the section of the book in which Pual describes his work as a neurosurgeon. All surgeons have complete control over their patient's life. The uniqueness of neurosurgery is that it touches upon the identity of the patient. Or as Paul phrased it, “Neurosurgeons work in the crucible of identity”. Even the simplest operation or manipulation on the brain has the potential to drastically change the essence of the patient. It can change his behavior, his basic functionality, his mood, and pretty much all the elements that compose him and the way he experiences life. A neurosurgeon constantly needs to decide what the threshold of a suitable life is. If the neurosurgeon operates on a brain tumor but in return, takes the patient's ability to talk, is it worth it? If an operation to stop seizures needs to be done but in return, the right and left hands of the patient will be paralyzed, is it worth it? Neurosurgery is that one field that sits at the intersection of meaning, identity, and death and constantly needs to choose one over the other.
I for one don’t know how to answer these questions but after finishing these chapters in the book I started questioning myself and exploring different thought experiments on where my personal threshold is. When is it worth it to simply be alive but not be able to actually experience life? Is there even a threshold here? or is it simply not worth it?
Reading about pauls dilemmas and experiences as a neurosurgeon and later in the book, about his experience as a lung cancer patient, truly expanded my awareness of how fragile my life as I know it is. All the trivial human functionalities that I have been blessed with, allowing me to experience the life I have been given in a way I have come to love, are so delicate and Pual managed to make this understanding sink a little deeper into my understanding.
He gave the example of a kid who came to check up on a headache he has been experiencing and got an answer that no one could possibly imagine or prepare for. He woke up that morning calling school that he was going to get checked for a headache thinking that everything will go back to normal after a doctor diagnosed him but instead, leaving the doctor's office knowing that he now has a brain tumor and nothing will ever be the same again.
These are events that can happen to everyone. We are all humans thrown into existence trying to find our way through life using our superpower of being oblivious to what every moment in life could evolve into or to the untangible fact that every moment can truly be the last. I find it important to let the unknown truth of life linger in my thoughts and captivate a few moments of my experience as a human. These moments of complete shock, allow me to increase my gratitude towards the little things in life that I enjoy most.
There are so many other thoughts and ideas that have emerged in me after reading this book but I encourage you to shift your book list by one and make this one your next read. It will only take you a few days since you won't want to stop reading it and thinking about it. Enjoy :)
