Well That Was Fun

That was a fun, thoughtful fantasy. I don’t get to be a housewife anymore. I’m past my prime, the kids don’t live here, I’m reeling with depression and I feel like instead of having my whole life in front of me, I have the end of my life in front of me.

Yeah yeah yeah, age is just a number…I know. If I am this unaccomplished now, imagine where I’ll be at 60. Oh yeah, you aren’t supposed to worry about the future. BE IN THE NOW. Well right now, three sick kids that we have all weekend are waking up, during a snowstorm, in a 700 sq ft apartment with no internet and no money to go do stuff.

So I will go out and commandeer this day instead of sulking and waiting for it to fall apart like Lord of the Flies. I’m just admitting I am depressed. This situation is VERY STRESSFUL. My own kid is in rehab. She’s doing great actually. Her face and eyes are clear. Her voice is strong. Her convictions about why she’s there and what she’s learning are strong. Some of her discoveries about herself are heartbreaking. As much as I am staying in the present in support of her, I can’t help but reflect on my mothering. Or reflect upon her innocence in looking back. Here and there a moment will pop up of her very young self loving a song or a movie or a moment in time and it makes me cry.

That’s where I’m at.