A Note To MySelf On Being In A Toxic Relationship & Love

If ever I thought I could feel about a person the way I felt about him, I would have never been so cautious. Tip toeing around my feelings, carefully plucking the right words to say, so not to let him know how much he really meant to me. But I couldn’t trust him. There was too much doubt. I never slept with someone on the first night, but there was something about him. Something grossly wrong but entirely wholesome. He reminded me of Nick from New Girl, he reminded me of a flawed soul, he reminded me of myself, but his Demons drive his soul and I was no match, nor was I willing to stay around long enough to let them tear mine away from me. I wish I could. I wish I could let myself fall in love with him — with his problems, his laughter, his smile, his bulging eyes when he would get upset, his dumb car — HIM. I wish I could take all of him in my arms and cradle the pain and insecurity away. I’m filled with wishes, constantly pacing my room, looking out my window at every boisterous car that passes by, “that’s not him,” I’d doublethink to myself. I didn’t want to end things but I HAD to because if I let it go on any longer, I would completely succumbed to his manipulative nature and end up hating myself. How can I love anyone when I hate myself? How could I let the people that love me most, watch me become nothing? I had to let him go because he was bad for me. He was going to take me and turn me into a shell of a person, filled with his doubt and afflictions; his demons would become mine and then some.

Maybe that wouldn’t have happened. Maybe I was going to be the catalyst for his change? Maybe I could have helped him; he seemed to have a nice pathway filled with good intentions paved, yet he hadn’t stepped foot on it. Maybe I could have taken those first couple of steps with him? I know that all these “maybes” are too late now. If I was a little less selfish, more patient, STRONGER, I could have helped him, but my demons claw at me everyday and I’ve yet to learn how to silence them. I wasn’t strong enough for him, for us — I ran, because I didn’t want to fall. But here I am repeating my paradoxical mantra: “the best lesson to learn is the one when you fall, get hurt and get back up.” I was afraid to see myself on the floor in that situation, so I gave into my fear — I let Fear take the reigns on this one and it filled my veins with metal, weighed me down and slapped on my face, a frown. I fled with what looked like dignity, but what really was sadness.

He was so far left from right for me, way too liberal… just the way I like it. He might have very well gotten me sick. He could have gotten me pregnant. By the time I realized that I had enough, I felt empty because I was so exhausted from his incessant accusations of me being unfaithful, however jocular he intended these allegations to be. I’m a clown — I know first hand that truth is necessary in order for a joke’s authenticity to prevail. His doubt was real and probably stemmed from his own insecurities, being unable to even trust himself. Perhaps he sought out alcohol as an excuse for his rampant behavior and carless actions, but the truth is YOU are the sum of your decisions. To drink constantly and be forever buzzed was his way of running from his Demons. He drinks to stay awake — he drinks to sleep — he drinks to drown himself. We drink for different reasons and these reasons separate us in our sentiment for Life. In between this partition, you’ll find an emptiness that should have been filled with Love… how I miss Her. I miss him and I will continue to miss him until I no longer do. He was someone I could have filled that space with. He was someone I could close my eyes to and still see in my dreams. He’s soft, yet callous, angry, yet sad, beautiful, yet hideous and terrifying… so terrifying. The power he could have had over me should only be given to someone who would NEVER use it — he is not that someone — I am not that someone. That someone is out there and I need to let walls fall for them to get through the rubble and make their way to me. That is Love. I’m too young — too Millennial for love and HE, even more so.

So for now, I will continue to tip toe around my feelings, carefully plucking my words to express how much YOU mean to me (whoever YOU are). For now, I will keep my sneakers laced tight to my feet, so I can run away when the time comes to flee. For now, I will love cautiously, until you part a path paved with your intentions, and push past the remains of the love I loved so conciously. For now, I will drive my soul, while my demons make feign attempts at my life, until you come to silence them forever.