8/21/16

Today marks the second week of my misery. If you’re expecting standard teenage bitching about how I’m unpopular or how my mother just doesn’t understand trends, I’ll be the first to tell you that I am not doing that

This page is only public to force me to update. This is a diary of my experiences being gaslighted, told live as it actually happens.

I haven’t slept well and I taste stomach acid whenever I cough now. My lower lip is bloody and bitten through and my eyes ache from crying. It’s kind of funny how nobody seems to take my crying seriously. I can’t quite tell you how I feel at this exact moment, if only because I’ve gone numb from how badly I’ve been feeling for the past few hours.

It wasn’t entirely my mother’s fault, I don’t think. Of course, I’m what you call an unreliable narrator. You can’t really trust me to have all the facts of this story, so it just as easily could have been her fault. The reason I’m unsure is because she has whittled down my own self-esteem by disregarding all of my mental breakdowns and begging as me being ridiculous and overly-anxious about my school situation. It’s probably not that, but, again, I’m an unreliable narrator.

The taste of bile is worse now. I might throw up. I had a small itch on my arm and had only meant to scratch the pestering sensation, but the top layer of my skin came off under my jittery nails, so I suppose that’s a problem, too.

I can’t forget what she’s told me. I have to take the quotes and put them here so that I don’t forget. She has tried to claim she didn’t say them (or that I misunderstood), but these things stick with a girl.

“I have no faith in you.”

“I guess I am disregarding your feelings.”

The context of those being equally disturbing. I had told her that I was suicidal and begged to be allowed a chance to not go to a school in a violent and bigoted community, but she had informed me that she didn’t trust me. I begged her to have faith in me and she said she did. I asked her to elaborate, she refused. And then she sighed and said it.

The second quote was used just tonight. I had looked at her with painful bloodshot eyes and a tear-stained shirt, begging her to please reconsider putting me into this school and that the community had made me suicidal (far more seriously, this time. I have looked up all of the information I need and have learned that one of my medications, if I were to only take half-doses for a month, would be enough to induce respiratory arrest). I accused her of disregarding my feelings and, again, she denied. I accused her again and she demanded I define myself. I did, and she responded with those words.

I’m cold now, shivering and scared. Maybe if I hadn’t ever found people I love this would be easier. I could just off myself and not worry about them, but now that I have found them, I have to fight.

See you tomorrow.

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