You know, I sometimes think of my age and I always get it wrong the first time.

I didn’t have a plan for my life after the age of 20. I still don’t have a plan for my life. Turning 25 this year should be scary but I feel like like I’m turning 15 again. It’s still half a year away.

According to someone behind a computer/phone screen – I’ve finally reached the age of being a proper adult. Friends are getting married, having babies, starting their careers and moving forward. I just finished my first semester at college. Im actually scared to go back, I’m not sure if I even want to. During my holidays I’ve started writing again, my first love whom I sometimes shove aside for art. Those two things make me happy and they are my safety net. My first venture flailed and I fell with it. This week I got a second to at it from a different approach. Moving out has done wonders and has given me confidence that I didn’t expect to have.

But back to the age thing, I’m expected to have a proper job by now. Dating someone proper, preparing my future with them or planning a wedding – some weird thing like that. I’m supposed to want to have kids. I’m supposed to be able to stand on my own two feet. I don’t have any of those. I can hear half the people reading this rolling their eyes and going “no responsibility”. I do have that, I sometimes fail at it but I acknowledge that. Then there’s those going “afraid of commitment” and nope, not that. You can’t shove a broken thing together saying that everything’s alright even though it keeps on falling apart. Fixing takes time.

It feels like I woke up from a fog. I don’t prescribe to the idea of that you’re too old for anything. Sure, the biological clock does tick but if I ever want kids I’ll just adopt them if I can. I’m not sure my parents grasp the idea that I don’t want kids, but I don’t deny the idea might change in the future. Just like the lady in the shop who told me it only took the “right man”. No, dear lady/family member/church/stranger/person who I study with, don’t pressurise me or anyone else into wanting or having kids that they don’t really want.

Just like you can’t squash someone into a wedding dress. Most people plan those, great if you do! And those of us that don’t – it’s absolutely fine!

I don’t have the career I thought I’d have by now when I was 12 or even 5 years old. I’m not keeping up with my peers. I used to look down at myself. I used to think I was strange and that the world will think exactly the same of me. If they do, I’ve stopped caring. There are people I know who trapeze the world and those who work a desk job, I don’t envy it. I would have loved to be running the race like that, but I’m ok with lagging behind. To those out there who feel the same, yay for us! But don’t ever procrastinate because of this. Keep on moving forward. That’s what we have.

Here’s a sunrise, just because.

I’m turning 25 and I’m actually excited about it. I’m slowly growing up and I’m almost never there. I’ve come to accept that I don’t need to run at the same pace as everyone else, just look what happened to Kurt Cobain. Run, crawl, walk or sprint – not every day is the same. Not everything is awesome, not every day will be great but I’m finally getting somewhere.

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