My ‘As Much as I’m gonna Tell You’ Story.

I was broken early in life.
All the usual things.
Bashed often by a drunkard. Told I was stupid. Deprived of Love.
And that ‘Other’ sin.
Of course it buggered me up, like storm clouds bleeding red every sunrise.
I threw my fists and feet early in life, screamed and spat my raging storm and as I grew into my own deformity of a Man, hungered to spin out of control and spiral endlessly down.

Don’t they say the fall is fun; it’s the stop at the bottom that does the damage…?

But Here I am; still standing. Seven months off 60 years of Endurance.
Taken a few dings, like that good old workhorse of a Nissan ute I abuse Day after Day.
But you know what?
It’s all good; It is what it is; Play the Hand you’re Dealt (and all that other trite and overused bullshit).
Dreams were never really my thing, you know? That got knocked out of me early in life but working toward something and keeping that something in mind, through it all, now that’s a gift.

Like when I decided to bash the Pedo.
I kept that in my mind from before I had hair on my balls, I wanted so much to feel his face break.
My mum was getting the bash, this day. She had cooked something the Drunken pig didn’t want and so he had her in the corner and was smashing her head and face, her arm, shoulders.
Outside in the night cold, I was Fire Engine red with ‘Kill Him!’ intent.
I rushed in, threw a boot at his head (missed) screamed out some war cry and stood as tall as I could for all my nine years of skinny, scrawny BoyMan.
I woke up in the Doctors with a busted up jaw and face.
I had worked, tried as hard as I could with my BoyMan might…. to fight.
To defend. To Kill.
It would not be long before I would.

Pedo was gone.

That was a turning point for me.
I turned to violence. I turned to Alcohol and pills, then the speedier highs’.
I turned inward and finished off the Wall around me, so no Authority would ever again put their fist in my face again.

Decades have passed by since then and I’m still standing.
Chained that dark Demon down, behind that Wall, locked down tight with that Deformity of Me.
Each day, make real effort to keep them there, away from the Light.

‘There’s the You people are allowed to see, the You only you know about and the You you ignore’ someone told me.

Today I will introduce you to the First You.
Me.
I have operated several businesses and all of them have been successful, if you measure Success through my eyes.
My eight children all had food to eat, at least twice a day.
They all had clothes on their backs and took lunch to school.
They wore shoes most of the time and sometimes got new clothes.
No ‘family friends’ were allowed near them at night.
Work ethic, honesty and reliability were trained into them young and they all grew to be good, hardworking, decent and loving people.

By my side, my woman has stood. Since she was a child.
Saved our family from Love Deprivation and glued us together whenever we threatened to break apart.
Fracturing my mind so often, brains and blood oozing the Life away, she soothed me whole, Time after Time.
And four decades on, she still sings me a lullaby and cradles my spirit.

We own no home. We owe no bills, except the utilities of modern existence.
We drive a 20th century car and mow our lawns with a second hand mower I resurrected from the scrap.
The You, this Me that I am, works hard to be a Success for my family.
I laugh in all the right places. I nod my head appropriately, when the crowd considers it appropriate.
I wear tidy clothes to town and open the door for my seniors.
I groom and dress modestly and stay reasonably fit and agile.

And I work my current business well.
Rapport. Engagement. Confidence. Scarcity. Secrets. Close.
Right?
Right.

My clients say I am a ‘Teddy Bear’.
My lips say ‘Hi. Pleased to meet you’.
Smile.

Smile better than that.

The sun has risen.