41 Things to Do After Finding Out that Your First Child’s Due Date Is Donald Trump’s Birthday, June 14

1. Email friends: ha-ha this is funny

2. Email parents: ha-ha what a yuge coincidence

3. Realize that there are no coincidences

4. Find doctor who permits voluntary inductions to save the republic

5. Beg wife to hold out until June 15

6. Recognize that everyone always underestimates Trump

7. Remember that you were on a men’s camping trip forty weeks before June 14

8. Google where Trump was forty weeks before June 14

9. Ask wife about the relative size of men’s hands

10. Ask wife if she’s the one who guaranteed that “there’s no problem”

11. Shrug knowingly with lower lip above upper lip when wife disgustedly leaves the room

12. Realize that Trump can never be stopped

13. Plan to name baby Female Little Marco

14. Plan to name baby Poopin’ Ted

15. Plan to name baby Vladimir Putin

16. Plan to name baby Trump Baby™

17. Plan to name baby Trump Steaks™

18. Buy babyhat that says “Make Babies Great Again”

19. Rip out “babyhat made in China” sticker

20. Realize that Mexican babies will also be born on June 14

21. Make Mexicans pay for the crib

22. Plan to take picture of baby in Mexican-paid-for crib

23. Plan to complain that baby now looks like baby has been captured by Mexicans

24. Plan to disown baby because baby is no war hero because war hero babies don’t get captured

25. Conduct in utero DNA test to see if baby is Muslim

26. If baby is Muslim, ban baby from leaving the womb

27. At birth, cry out, There is a baby coming out of her wherever!

28. At birth, shout, Look at that face!

29. Tell doctors that you would date baby is she weren’t your daughter and weren’t a baby

30. When baby cries, call baby a loser

31. If baby can’t walk on day two, call baby a total loser

32. Tell loser baby that there were 47,000 Chinese babies born the same day

33. Tell loser baby that the Chinese are ruining baby’s family by winning 47,000 to one

34. When baby cries, tell baby to stop playing the baby card

35. Wait, think about the opportunities

36. Offer baby to Trump as his future seventh wife

37. Seriously, offer baby to Trump as his future seventh wife if he drops out of the race

38. Tell Trump that, to seal the deal, you’ll name baby Ivankalso

39. Try to be rational

40. Google stat that only five percent of babies are born on due date

41. Google — just to be safe — ways to love a baby even if baby broke your heart because of the day baby chose to be born