I want to quit all of the time now.
A lifetime of falling short, ostracization, rejection, being deceived, and any other grammatical expression describing social or economic failure, is what I’ve experienced.
I’ve had financial “success” to the point of keeping my nose out of the water most of the time. It was a struggle to get started to begin with, as my first three years out of college combined wouldn’t meet half of the current poverty level.
Socially I’ve never had any success. Any and all “relationship” with another human being was a complete lie. I was either tolerated, usually winding up in some dark corner, until what they really wanted came along, or I was flat-out kicked in the teeth to begin with. Same for romantic endeavors. Mostly in high school, say four or five, a couple in college, and none whatsoever in the 29 years since. Only two of those ever got physical, and even then they were minimal and pathetic.
The rest was spent desperately clinging to a belief I would get my break or someone would finally help me start on the path to success, and ignorantly hoping. What happened was 29 years blew by, all with my mental state remaining at that point 29 years ago.
I don’t know why I keep going, or even how. I can’t attribute it to vodka, xanax, or Effexor. God? HA. The contradictions and conflicts there alone are enough.
It’s probably my mother. My only relative. Raised by her since I was around four, while she continued a career of teaching. Why her and my father split up I’ll never know. Which the same is true for him or any of his side of the family. I’ll never know anything but my mother, and her mother and father, who were already in their very late 60s when I was born to begin with.
She’s the only person who has never cast me away. The only person who has ever returned and been there for me. We have had our conflicts and our words, very, very strong words, for a long time, but we always stick together in the end. As she ages, and I age, we both see the struggles I face, and she has softened and truly understands. And at least, before it was too late, I have learned to know that she is and always has been the most valuable thing I will ever have.
I only keep going because I don’t want to fail at not breaking her heart. I just may do that anyway, no matter what, because it just seems to be the way things will turn out, no matter what I do.
Waking up, knowing I’ll face yet another day of the very same failure and despair I have for at least 29 years now, is a like carrying the weight of all hell chained to a supermassive black hole.
And time is running out for chances getting back up and trying again.