Well, … I identified with many points of your story. At least the first one I read.
I grew up in a slightly unusual, albeit stable household. My mother and father divorced when I was very young, and she moved back in with them with me. I guess her intention was to get back in her own, but it never happened (runs in the family). So I grew up thinking her parents were my parents and she was my much older sister.
She was a teacher, and because of the things she had seen and experienced decided to enroll me in private school, where I stayed for an entire 12 years. Little did anyone know the destructive effect this would have on me.
We never wanted for anything, but we never really wanted that much. We were quite conservative, although nice things in life were an occasional pleasure to obtain. I was surrounded at both church and school by people with vastly more wealth, regard and power in the small town though. These people did what they wanted, and got what they wanted. Trips, cars, dates, rewards, get-out-of-jail-free cards.
As I began to “assimilate” as best I could, I found myself falling farther behind in most things, particularly socially and athletically. I as and never have been considered athletic, manly, attractive in any way, or aggressive. I was an easy target for the spawn of the boomer elite. Academically I did above average, although that would change in the sixth grade and be the final blow to forging my fate.
This continues to this very day. I never met success. I never met happiness. I never met stability and comfort. I’ve only known defeat and indifference. I have no “friends” because I don’t fit in and the ones that I thought were friends turn out to quickly separate themselves from me once they have what they wanted or something better comes along.
I have sacrificed my entire life to get to a place that I see people in all around me. All around me I see things happening for people. Yes, they have their problems, but they have so much more that they don’t even know I don’t have what they assume is automatic for all humans. Homeless people, psychotic people, depressed people, and even supposedly celibate “men of faith” get laid more, and have substantially more opportunities. Me??? I may as well be a giant plague-laced rat with AIDS. Even then one of those would likely find a companion. Not me though. I could have lose all limbs and have only one other thing sticking out to count with, and it would finally be useful for something because I could use it to count my prospects in life, which turned out to be as poor as the piss that comes out anyway. Sure, maybe my standards are a little high, but geezus fkn kreist.
That’s just the garbled beginning. Personal, professional, spiritual, … all aspects of me are a giant fustercluck in my brain and have been hard to try to understand even for myself. The longer I live the worse it gets and the more impossible it gets to not only straighten them out, but to want to anyway.
But your story hit me in a lot of levels, even though there was a lot in it I couldn’t ever identify with (hence my Katy Perry comment veiling “likelihood of occurring”). Your thoughts and how you expressed them…the “attitude” I felt when reading them…the spirit…they all felt like what I feel like all the time.