6 rules to follow this Monsoon

Monsoons are here. The season, which a significant number of North Indian teenagers, untouched by the vagaries of gainful employment & office commutes, describe as “SAXXY”. Fair enough. As a matter of fact, your opinion abt rains depends on where you are. Whether you are stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with a full bladder or Sipping coffee sitting by your foggy window, finger drawing hearts, name of your 1st boyfriend or the Prime minister.
For those of us, who have to venture out everyday, need Umbrellas.
The Umbrella, like most things, originated in the East but was quickly claimed by the Englishmen as a unique British thing, like Tea or Koh-i-noor. Nobody was surprised. And soon enough the right Umbrella etiquette was laid out. Though most of it is common knowledge & an agreed practice among Indians (like not peeing or spitting in public), a timely reminder won’t harm anyone..
- Real estate theory — Your umbrella size should be proportionate to your physical build. If I see a relatively short person carrying a large umbrella, it feels like he’s gonna pitch it on the sidewalk any moment and start selling Pirated DVDs or SIM cards. Hence, don’t occupy more real estate than needed, unless you are a famous son-in-law.
- Hema Malini Complex — Before they invented the Fidget spinner, people used to rest their umbrella on their shoulder and sub-consciously spin it. Please don’t. You are not Hema Malini.
- Gandalf Rule — Unless you are a KGB assassin, you don’t want to hurt anyone with your umbrella. So when approaching someone shorter than you, please raise your umbrella for them to pass.
- Potential energy — I know the joy of pressing a button on the umbrella’s hilt to launch it in action. Thanks to Mechanical engineering, we don’t need to charge it. Imagine its raining and your umbrella has low battery. However, this convenience doesn’t warrant us to launch it with people around in a covered area. Always do it in the open. Be considerate.
- Rule 194* — When it isn’t raining, and you have a umbrella in hand, the natural urge for any Indian guy is to play a high elbow cover-drive, aspiring to be an overseas-batting-consultant. (Clearly such skills aren’t enough) But it’s advised to always keep the pointy edge of the umbrella, facing the ground.
When you have reached your destination, always close the umbrella before entering, as against keeping it open to dry in the lobby, just like how Group-housing society housewives hang male undergarments in their balcony. You can do better.
And most importantly. Don’t steal. During rains, an Umbrella is like currency, gets lost, exchanges hands from the absent minded to the lucky. Mostly, because we follow this Temple-steps rule which is — If you walk down the temple steps and don’t find your own slippers, you walk away with someone else’. Pretty convenient.
Long story short, Don’t steal my Umbrella.
Have a great Monsoons.
