The little voice that whispers “just end it”

Upon hearing about Chester Bennington’s passing, I felt a lot of really strong emotions, as I do about every suicide headline. For years I thought that taking one’s own life was an act of selfishness. At the age of five, I lost my mother to complications caused by a chronic illness. Growing up without her thought me how important it is to take good care of your health and how valuable life is. I never understood why people would want to take their own lives. Anytime I saw a suicide headline, it would make me angry — my mother wanted to live and she couldn’t, and that person was alive and they chose to end their life. I couldn’t understand. Now I can.
You see, it’s not as simple as most people think. If you’ve never suffered from depression, first of all, I’m really happy for you. Secondly, you may have no idea what it feels like to want to end your own life. And again, I’m really glad that you don’t.
Unfortunately I learned the hard way that when you have depression your thoughts and feelings spiral out of control, and the pain you feel, a lot of times becomes unbearable. I used to think “don’t people think about how much their family members are going to suffer if they die?” The answer is no. Nobody who feels loved and cherished wants to die. In those moments when we feel truly appreciated, loved and cared for we don’t want life to end.
The danger lies in the rest of the moments. The moments when we’re alone with our dark thoughts, when we feel lonely, unloved and empty. When we become numb. For someone who suffers from depression and/or addiction those moments happen way too often. It is in those moments that a little voice whispers in your ear “you’re alone” “nobody loves you” “nobody cares” “you don’t matter” “just end it”.
You may be thinking how can someone so incredibly talented, who’s music was the voice of a generation, who was adored by literary millions of people think that nobody cared? That’s because that little voice has the power to hypnotize you into believing everything it says. It penetrates your mind and hides all the goodness that you’ve experienced, then it highlights all the bad, and you’re left wholeheartedly believing whatever awful lies it tells you. That’s the voice of depression. And depression is a destructive and manipulative liar.
When I read that Chester Bennington had taken his own life, my heart ached not only for my teenage soul who found comfort in his lyrics, not only for knowing the pain his 6 children may be going through upon losing a parent, but especially for understanding the darkest most horrible thoughts that brought him to want to end his insufferable agony. Rest In Peace, Chester.
