One year in Dublin — part 1
Melancholic projections not yet lived and longing for the future
Today completes one year that I arrived in Dublin.
In this time I have seen people arriving and leaving at every second. Some change themselves in few months and switch their ambitions and visions completely. Some realize that, in fact, they already had everything that they needed and leave not to return. Some still, get themselves lost never to find again.
I’m impressed with the intensity that some live. Maybe it is my apathy that gives such a big contrast. However, I know. I’ve come with an objective carefully planned and at least for that I have enough discipline to follow. I have made uncountable sacrifices and passed through situations that I never thought I would experience. Not because I think I don’t deserve to have had gone through them, but because I didn’t know they existed. Lack of reality that all of us have.
At least the sacrifices I made proved themselves valid and living how I have opted to live until now drove me to reach my goals. Now, I have a few more years of Dublin and Ireland ahead of me. It just depends on me.
At the same time that this gives me satisfaction, also makes me feel melancholic. Does that is what I really want? After I got here and realize that it wasn’t what I expected (it never is), I considered that my journey shall continue in another place, but for now, I have to make this long pause.
When people ask me if I miss my life in Brazil, my answer is yes, of course. But I also say that I miss more what I’m being deprived of living. It is complex to understand in a first sight what I mean with that, however it is easy to relate when I explain.
To be honest, I don’t miss my family and friends that much. Maybe because I still have daily contact with both through internet. But I feel so bad knowing that, with the decisions that I’ve been making and the way that they are leading me, I will never have again what I was already used to have for a long time.
Night rides around my small town, senseless chats with my lads, tranquility on a Sunday at home with my family, a mother’s hug.
And that’s what I miss the most. But is ‘nostalgia’ (saudade) for more experiences like those, not for the ones I have already lived. It is that desire of staying five minutes more, deceiving yourself that would be enough.
Today completes one year that I arrived in Dublin.
I didn’t come to search myself, to find a new me, neither to wander.
I came, but I’m not necessarily here.
To read the second part click here.
