Reality, funnily enough is what you make of it. Your current perspective and emotion can alter that reality, distort it to fit the outlook of now. When the fabulous company that I worked for, renowned for the culture, devotion, happiness, knowledge and friendliness was acquired, this was all perceived to change. The staff, clients and onlookers expected something to change, if not the company as a whole. This is obviously a self-fulfilling prophecy, whether it is true or not, it was perceived as though it did. Simply the act of believing makes everyone behave differently.

I tried to keep my head above the water, telling everyone not to be silly, it won’t change, stay happy and carry on doing what you’re doing, try even harder to be YOU. But… some of my best friends left, new staff were hired, the company was changing, ever so slightly. Whether this is for the best or the worst is not why I am writing this.

Pair the change in company emotion with the fact I had just had rather a shocking burglary (when I say shocking: everything ransacked and absolutely everything of worth gone, even phone chargers) and you have a dangerous combination. I felt unsteady. I was suddenly in a place of work where I didn’t feel quite so comfortable and when I arrived home I did not have any respite. Suddenly I was stuck. Not feeling comfortable anywhere. I had no direct line-manager for a while, no one to turn to as my job was out in no mans’ land, a sort of hybrid of roles that was quite autonomous. I felt lost and this was spiralling out of control. It was time for a change (it had been for a little while) but I was too scared. Once you’re stuck it’s hard to see the light. I felt like an outsider, suddenly realising more and more that I WAS this quirky, passionate, creative character that felt like I was now being stifled and suffocated. The fear was making my difference more prominent.

I have always been a little different. I know everyone is different, that’s silly thing to say, but I had actively avoided office jobs until more recent years as I like my freedom. Weird and wonderful things always happen to me, people approach me while my friends look on bewildered. People seem to warm to me, which sometimes still surprises me. Does this happen because I actively embrace it? I love new experiences, what is life without? I have always been that person with passionate, crazy stories of random happenings. But I have always come out on top, even if there has been a little hardship on the way. I am a strong-willed person with fight and an apparent ability to make something out of nothing.

So, what do I do? I started my decision making process by asking a few trusted friends for their opinions. All of whom have rather different personalities, so I knew that interesting conversations would ensue.

My choices were:

• To stay. Stay in a place that I felt unsettled. I saw this as taking too much emotional effort to gain my love and passion back. The outcome would surely leave me with less energy than I started with therefore a redundant option.
• Leave for a new job. But I was too scared to apply for a new job, my confidence had been smashed to smithereens, there was NO chance I would be able to write anything positive about myself, let alone sit through an interview.
• Leave for the big wide world, the unknown? Well that’s just silly talk. How will I pay my way? What am I going to do? How long will this last? Maybe it’s better to stay put? But, there’s too many unanswered questions here, aren’t there?

I also knew that which ever choice I made I had to stick to it and believe that WAS the right choice, no matter what happened. If you don’t believe in your choice, then it is weak, the reality changes, the outcomes can be altered. The other choice becomes more attractive, but it’s too late.

Have you ever heard of the theory behind a coin toss? Flipism and revealed preferences?

“Decisions with conflicting preferences are especially difficult even in situations where there is only one decision-maker and no uncertainty. The decision options may be either all appealing or all unpleasant, and therefore the decision-maker is unable to choose. Flipism, i.e., flipping a coin can be used to find a solution. However, the decision-maker should not decide based on the coin but instead observe his or her own feelings about the outcome; whether it was relieving or agonizing. In this way, flipism removes the mental block related to the act of decision-making, and the post-decision preferences can be revealed before the decision is actually made.” Taken from Wikipedia

I did just this by crowdsourcing my decision. Generally my friends had said ‘stay until you find another job’ or ‘leave, take the jump, you have a plan, do it!’ Now, one was the sensible idea, safe, secure. It would take a bit of effort and time but it ultimately won the majority vote. The other was the exciting idea, the one that, if I hadn’t just had another birthday, if I wasn’t feeling quite so low on confidence, I would choose in a millisecond. The one that, when said, the words themselves were spoken with passion. The coin was in front of me and I knew which one my heart was choosing. the preference was revealed. All that I had to battle now was my fight with reality. I was feeling low, a complete lack of self-confidence, self-belief, drained. Feeling like this would affect my reality, even if the latter was the correct choice, these emotions make fear set in, would hold me back and thus set me up to fail. I knew this had to change and so, I looked to the universe AND a whole host of TED talks about happiness and inspiration :-)

The universe replied. I was sat in my bedroom reading, being slightly jealous of my neighbours having a little get-together in the garden. I wanted to join them but I had things to do, priorities straight Gabi! So, I enjoyed their music instead, swimming its way through the window and into my ears. Then this dubby little beat started, experimental type vocals, it became an earworm, I knew that I wanted to play this song on repeat. Its sound matched my mood, I had to know what is was! I was literally up at the window trying to make a line of the lyrics out to Google them, even going as far as telling my fella to hush! Shortly after, Major Lazer was playing on loop whilst I carried on reading. At this point my mind was made up but I was still trying to muster up enough trust and confidence in myself.

A couple of days later, my mind was well and truly set. I was buzzing; the dark cloud that shrouded my head was lifted. I decided to listen to some music, this song jumped to my mind, being my newest musical crush. The song played as I pondered what the lyrics were, so obviously I Googled them! What a beautiful moment it was, I felt the serotonin rush through my brain, the hairs on my arms stood up and I had the biggest grin but also a slight melancholic feel. The lyrics described how this girl was stuck, she couldn’t get out of work, was pushed down by the government, she wanted out, wanted to be free to be her, create and live her dreams. Okay, so I’m not quite as hard done by as that but I certainly identified with them. I spent the rest of that Sunday on such a high. Monday came and I trotted into work, feeling like my normal, spritely self again. Skipping through the office I noticed the poster that has been sat behind me for the last year, the poster which I must have read in the past but had never, ever stood out to me so much. I sat and read it, almost crying. The universe was throwing signs at me, signs to vindicate my decision. I was right and I believed it.