A Predictive Timeline of Pokemon Go

Want to figure out how to take advantage of the market surrounding Pokemon Go? Pay attention to these predicted events.

Day 1: Pokemon Go is released.
Day 2: Millions of people download it. Servers are crashing constantly throughout the day. A girl finds a body in a river while searching for water Pokemon. Robbers set up a trap using a lure to mug Pokemon users.
Day 3: Number of Pokemon Go users surpass active Twitter users on Android. Widespread reports of people running into large groups of other players in all areas.
Day 4: Large swaths of people playing Pokemon Go everywhere. Pokestops are densely populated with people looking for Pokemon. Food trucks have begun strategically positioning themselves near Pokestops with active lures on them.
Day 5: Total downloads reach 10 million in the U.S. alone. Work productivity declines by 30% across the technology sector.

Day 9: The first death due to Pokemon Go occurs because of someone catching Pokemon in traffic.
Day 10: Pokemon Go users report increased well-being as their average miles walked per day increase from 2 to 10.
Day 12: Michelle Obama recommends in T.V. interview that all Americans begin playing Pokemon Go to improve their health.
Day 14: 30 million downloads in the US. People can be seen walking all over every town in America playing Pokemon Go during the lunch and evening hours.
Day 17: PETA recommends all dog owners download Pokemon Go as a means to encourage owners to walk their dogs more while they catch Pokemon.
Day 24: Productivity down 50% across all sectors. “How can I be bothered to work when there’s Pokemon to catch?” most users say.
Day 31: 100 million downloads worldwide. Rent prices near popular Pokestops double for all businesses.

Day 35: Going hunting for Pokemon becomes a popular first date on Tinder. The resulting children from these days subsequently become known as the “Pokebaby generation”.
Day 60: Niantic releases a social network platform that only exists within the realm of Pokemon Go so players feel less awkward about exchanging lasting contact information when running into each other.
Day 61: Humanity collectively realizes that Facebook is stupid bullshit to distract them from Pokemon Go.
Day 75: Pokemon Go achieves one billion users.
Day 76: Niantic releases a set of Pokemon that only appear in certain countries. Millions begin globetrotting to catch ’em all.

Day 100: The global economy is booming as people travel far and wide, searching across the land.
Day 118: As people begin to understand the power that’s inside, social media usage outside of the Pokemon Go network is down 90%.
Day 119: President Obama announces that elections are cancelled due to a state of emergency. He briefly interrupts his own speech to catch a Pikachu that appeared next to his podium.
Day 125: Grocery stores begin to run out of food as workers abandon their posts to play Pokemon Go.
Day 127: Alphabet Inc, a major stakeholder of Niantic, strikes a deal with the government to use their robots to produce food in exchange for a large portion of the tax revenue. The deal was put to a referendum. The CEO of Alphabet was the only person who voted.
Day 140: Mark Zuckerberg declares bankruptcy; he moves to the Himalayas for the remainder of his life.

Day 150: The whole world is playing Pokemon. All dictatorships have fallen because their people stopped listening to them and just played Pokemon. Robots, unbeknownst to most people, are now providing for everyone’s basic needs.

Day 169: Instead of a violent socialist revolution, humanity achieves full communism. Pokemon Go players were too stubborn to do anything but play Pokemon Go, and they got as angry as a toddler told to put their toy away every time someone tried to get them to stop playing.