Approved Informational Literature CI–4: Marriage Procedures
The benefits of the single life are bountiful and self-evident: You don’t have to share your government-issued plush object, you are less likely to exhaust your weekly Zephyr Co.-brand oxygen ration, and in the event of your death (see ceiling display for your predicted death date) a B31-Organic Matter Disposal Form can be filed up to 17% faster. However, in the same way someone being pushed from a flying aircraft may reflexively, but ultimately futilely, grab for the nearest body, needlessly sending two souls hurtling towards hard, indifferent earth, you may have decided that it’s time for you to pack in the solo act and join in legal matrimony with another human being. A quick side note: Due to the obvious perception and memory issues suffered by Module 5 citizens, they are free to marry the entity or object that most closely resembles what they recognise as a human being instead of an actual person.
Of course, we are all familiar with the images of romantic couples from the films: Star-crossed lovers finding that what first appeared to be a random sequence of integers and operators actually reveals a well-hidden and disturbing mathematical truth about the universe, or meet cutes that end with couples making Eskimo kisses before a dark corner around which they can hear something but see nothing. Sadly, real marriage can’t be all existential inquiry and comforting rituals as a paper thin shield against the dread of the unknown. Joining with a spouse takes a lot of hard work, but fear not, your government’s expertly-censored educational materials have once again come to the rescue. Let us explore the beautifully human process of Civil Services Procedure CI-4.
Finding Your Partner
Finding the ideal partner was once one of life’s most painful and difficult ventures, so you’ll be pleased to hear that the state, in their wise benevolence, has made the spousal search a doddle. Although, infinitely more painful, of course. To find your bride/groom/other-to-be, you will need to reference your Relationship Rune which can be found on your right inside forearm between your Career Glyph and Friend Sigil. Your Relationship Rune will be one of four types: 1. Fluid, 2. Vessel, 3. Towel, or 4. Sand.
Do not be alarmed if your rune has changed over the course of your lifetime, it is normal for most peoples’ runes to move further down the order as they age. Those with a Fluid rune may not attempt Union with those bearing another Fluid rune, but may do so with those bearing a Vessel or Towel rune (although the former is the more recommended). Similarly, those with Vessel or Towel runes may not attempt Union with others marked with Vessel or Towel runes, but may do so with those marked with Fluid runes. For safety reasons, those with Sand runes may not attempt Union with other citizens. Readers are also reminded that any citizen bearing the Salt Glyph, Sand Rune, and Silence Sigil are not acknowledged as extant by the state or general public.
Attempting Union
For the next step, you and your potential spouse will need birth certificates assigned since Reformation Period 3. If you do not have the relevant certificates, they can be provided to you by your block’s Freedom Enforcer. Once you are holding your certificates turn them over and resist the urge to complete the delightful maze on the back. Instead, carefully scratch away the panels with the graphics of the striking blue eyes. Beneath the panels, you and your partner will find 16-character alphanumeric codes. These are your Union Keys and are the first step on the road to your new life.
Next, find a drawing implement that holds mutual significance to the both of you and draw your Union Key on your partner’s back in a beautiful Bureaucracy Magenta paint, then have them do the same to you. Suggested writing implements for this task include a pine needle, the corner of a favourite garment, the handle of a hairbrush, a wooden spoon used for cooking, a candle, a house key, a piece of ribbon, or a guitar pick, but never, never a paintbrush. As the paint is applied and sets, you may experience the sensation of dry leaves against your skin or hot coals on your chest. This is not something to worry about. This is never something to worry about.
After one hour you may both remove the paint. At this point, the blood vessels in your backs should have aligned to the shape of the keys. It’s a work of art! Over the next three-five days a circular region of yellow light will appear beneath your chins and after an additional three days, you will be able to pull a glowing, elasticated cord from this patch. This is known as the Bonding Cable and should be fluorescent gold in colour. When you are ready, you and your partner are to pull your Bonding Cables as far as they will extend and tie their ends together using a Level B Securing Knot. Remember, a Manual Proficiency Licence is required for prolonged use of the fingers. The Hand Hawk is watching.
After the Bonding Cables are tied they will soon merge into a single length of rope-like material with a soft ringing sound. While this new cable can pass through solid objects, you and your partner must maintain a distance of no greater than 6 feet over the following month. If this distance is exceeded, the Bonding Cable will detach and the process cannot be repeated. During this month-long period, music you enjoy may seem to be playing at an irregular tempo and you may experience scents that you have not smelled before. The feeling of invisible hands against your forehead or in your hair may also occur. Eventually, your cable will shift to a milky-white and fade, indicating the process is complete. If everything went well you should find a brand new rune on your forearm, depicting your partner’s face and the Department of Eye Contact’s seal of approval. Nice work!
Conducting the Ceremony
So you have found your government-approved soulmate, you have completed a ritual as old as the Earth (est. age: 43 years), all that remains is the wedding itself. It’s time to think priests. If you cannot build your own priest, you might consider catching a priest or borrowing one from a neighbour. Do not expect to be able to find a nomadic priest during the March-May months when Third Winter will cause them to migrate upwards. You should also not attempt to find a priest before you have completed your Union, people have been put in jail for less. Much less. In the case that your priest is slippery or wet to the touch, we recommend Globo Co.’s Priest Degreasing Powder. “Globo Co.: Monopoly Alleviates the Burden of Choice”.
Once your priest is ready and dry, you will need to fetch your aunt’s old oil lamp from the loft. Don’t worry if you do not remembering having an oil lamp, an aunt, or a loft, because you do now. This is all in preparation for the next step, where your priest will need to build an intricate mental picture of you and your partner.
Gather yourselves in a dark room where you feel mildly comfortable and place the oil lamp on the floor. The lamp will ignite itself. How magical and non-threatening! The priest will then project a relatively harmless laser from their imaging gland at you and your fiance. It is relatively harmless in that in a world of unabated war, disease, and starvation which threatens entire societies, the suffering of the individual can only ever be a pebble on the mountain of universal harm.
Let the priest’s laser flitter over you as they make increasingly snide and frustrated comments. You will know they have finished their scan when the oil in the lamp is burned to nothing and you are all left in hungry darkness. The clergyman will then vacate the room temporarily. Take this time in the concealing black to listen to your partner’s breath, feel their skin against yours, and check your text messages. After a few minutes, the priest will return bearing perfect clay effigies of you and your fiance. You will know these effigies perfectly, though you have never seen them before. At this point, you may bid the priest farewell, though their presence has been known to linger long after they physically depart.
Reciting Your Vows
Now we’re on the home stretch, just a few more tasks. Place your effigies side-by-side in an oven, microwave, or one of the many other high-temperature boxes you will find around your home. Admire how cute they took together as you adjust the controls of your warmth cuboid. As the two figures loosen and fall into the inconceivably complex shape of each other, it is time to recite your vows. The typical speech goes as follows:
“The paradox of marriage is that it is said to be a lifetime bond between people when lifetime people do not exist. Human existence is not the journey of an individual from the cradle to the Reclamation Vat but is instead constant metamorphosis. Pleasure and pain are not simply experiences but are the building blocks of personhood, pressing, kneading, and pulling at identity. Even the love, Union, and co-habitation which lead into a marriage are themselves transformative, rendering obsolete the idea of eternally joining with the person I began to fall in love with, because they are no longer that person, they are someone better.
Our marriage cannot rely on eternal circumstance, for all things must change, instead, it must rely on the accurate realisation of who we are and how we fit together. It cannot rely on us being constants, but must rely on us having etched ourselves deeply enough onto each other as to be a part of each other, even through our growth. We cannot rely on the idea that we will not deform and remould, but we can create an arrangement where as we form anew, we can reform into each other, and each new shape can be lovingly embraced as part of the larger whole. We are the larger whole”.
If you find the above too traditional, we recommend using an appealing advertising jingle or creating a stream of consciousness poem.
The Future
At long last, the ritual is complete and for you and your spouse the area up to the perimeter fence is your oyster. So what next?
You will discover you are now free to apply for an extension for your home which will add boundless inches to the room. You may also now petition your spouse’s help with the day’s heavy labour tasks. What joy! Make sure that in the coming years, you don’t forget those weddings anniversaries, they’ll sneak up on you. Refer to this handy chart for the associated gifts for each year:
Year 1: Dying Engine Noises Anniversary
Year 2: Mysteriously Disappearing Search Results Anniversary
Year 3: Undiscovered Species of the Genus Homo Anniversary
Year 4: Coastal Erosion Anniversary
Year 5: Military Secrets Anniversary
Year 6: West-African Drum Solo Anniversary
Year 7: Outer Space Debris Anniversary
Year 8: Suspicious Quantity of Cleaning Products Anniversary
Year 9: Stopped Clocks Anniversary
Year 10: Satie Played in the Wrong Key Anniversary
Year 15: Online Gambling Shame Anniversary
Year 20: Sphere Obsession Anniversary
Year 25: Masked Men Waiting in Crouched Position Anniversary
— — End of Maximum Citizen Lifespan — —
On behalf of the state, we wish you many years of skin-of-your-teeth survival together. Continue to maintain the human experiment, citizens.
