You know Esther, if I was Derren Brown and had to make a guess about what was going on for you so that people would think I had amazing, mind reading insight, this is what I would say:
“Confused kid. Everything about Esther screams ‘bullied at school.’ Awkward, lispy, effeminate male. Nothing wrong with any of those things but I know how they would have gone down in my comprehensive. Esther has realised the price of finally being accepted into a tribe is doing things that make him uncomfortable: ie bullying others. Esther is having a crisis.”
I’m not without sympathy. You are a human being deserving of all the rights and kindnesses afforded to everyone else. But you are not a female human being. And I think you have realised that trying to bully others into thinking you are isn’t working.