ABSENCE

She got up out of bed. She walked to her bathroom and saw herself in the mirror. What a mess. She sat at the edge of her tub and realized she wasn’t breathing. She quickly drew in her breath and consciously breathed it out. She got up, washed her hands, splashed her face, looked at her toothbrush and then his and realized she was holding her breath again. She breathed in again. And then out. She could feel the muscles on her face twitch. Gawd, I’m pitiful. She went back to bed. Her sheets were cool again. Her face was hot. She had the whole bed to herself. She breathed heavily. Purposefully. Her thoughts immediately drifted to the man who was no longer with her. The man she would normally be walking her dogs with right now. The two pups that were looking at her now with hope. With tails that wagged as soon as they caught her looking up at them. As soon as her eyes shifted to the window the tails stopped wagging. They knew. They laid back down resting their heads on their paws. She had fallen asleep with the curtains open so the light was bright. Too bright to be in bed. She bunched two of her pillows, shaping her body around them. Just a little bit longer then I’ll get up. I promise, puppies.

Her phone vibrated. Messages. People don’t call anymore. They text. Not that she would pick up if they had called, but it still made her angry for a moment. I know you’re sorry. She said it out loud. The pups sat up as though her statement was a sign of movement. Of strength. It wasn’t. In fact, it was just enough to make her realize she was snapping at nothing. Her eyes filled again. Pogo placed a paw on her bed. It was enough of a nudge to get her to move towards him. She stroked him gently. And then with more strength. She drew another big breath. Ok, pup. She fed them first and then let them out. They waited for her down the steps. Inviting her to join them. Nope. She took another deep breath. Coffee. I can get excited about coffee. She heard her coffee song in her head. COFfee-COFfee-COFfeeeeeeeee. It’s COFfee tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. She smiled faintly as she caught herself ever so slightly swinging her hips to the syllables. And then out of nowhere her almost-a-chuckle turned into a cry. Gawd dammit. She cursed herself. She didn’t want her perfect coffee. She wanted his bad coffee. The kind he made before they got the pods. It was awful. He didn’t drink coffee. He had no idea how to make it. But he made it for her. It really was awful. She didn’t have the heart to not drink it — at first anyway. She eventually confessed it was awful. Even after she taught him how to make it, it was awful. She wanted that coffee now.

She noticed the bottle of wine left out and uncorked overnight. If he were there, the bottle wouldn’t be there now. It would be re-corked and put in its place. She always dozed off once they sat down for the evening. Awoke just enough to get herself to bed…maybe to let the pups out for the last time that evening. Maybe. Otherwise, straight to bed where she wouldn’t stir again until the morning. She stared at the bottle. It looked gross. There was nothing sexy, fun or wonderful about it in its current state.

She knew this was that moment. Either she goes back to bed or she gets dressed. The bra. The bra was the key. Once she put the bra on she might as well be dressed. Getting dressed is a powerful step. She knew this. Put the damn bra on. She opened her drawer. What color? Nothing. She sees nothing. Fuuuuuuuuuck. She lay down again and realized how exhausted she was. She fell right back to sleep. The sheets were cool. She was breathing.

This is an unfinished bit. i’m not sure what to do with it, if anything. it’s been years since I’ve written anything. i wanted to get the ball rolling.

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