I am not Great

We are all told that we are capable of being great.

From the moment we are born, our parents instill in us that we all have the ability, the capacity, and the will to be great. And, that one day we will make them proud, and live up to their hopes and dreams. Every parent waits for that day.

The day their child becomes Great.

That is a dream that I will never fulfill for my parents.

But, you’re probably wondering, “How could you say that? How could you possibly disappoint your parents, who love you, and care for you so deeply? Surely there must be something you can do to make your parents proud of you?”

And I’m sure you’re right.

But I will never be great.

With every step that you taken in your life, you are pushed towards improving myself in the world around me. Your parents send you to private middle school, to get smarter and enrich my mind. You play sports to learn how to work together, and to improve your body. And your parents are overjoyed when you got that big envelope from your dream school, telling you that they would welcome me as a new freshman the following year. And for the past 4 years, you’ve been told that all _________ graduates are Great, and go on to do Great things. Presidents, athletes, actors and actresses, performers, scientists, you name it. The weight of the world has been placed on your shoulders.

But I took what was given to me, and wasted it.

I took the same thing that was given to you, and threw it all away.

I failed to capitalize on the gifts and privileges that I have been given. I wasted all that time that my parent’s spent into building me up by tearing myself down. I turned people away through my abrasiveness, I said things I never should have, and burned bridges as a result. And yet, I wondered why I felt like I was missing something. I was cruel, and wondered why people shunned me. I shouldn’t have been surprised.

At this point, I am not sure whether or not to apologize, or move on knowing that I will probably never be forgiven. It is too late to try and make up for something that already happened.

Greatness was something that was expected of me, and I let those people down. My parents, my coaches, and my friends who all expected me to go on and be great.

I let them all down.

And there is no way to apologize for that.

I leaned on people for support and was not there for them. I was expected to be the rock, the center, the backbone for people. The image of mental stability. For someone who was expected to be articulate, intelligent, confident, and capable, I was not. I was supposed to be great.

But I am not.

I am a coward, incapable of coping with obstacles or difficulties. I hide behind everyone who cares about me as I put up a wall to keep people from getting close. I lie, I cheat, and I deceive those who love and care about me. I was cruel to people I did not know, and we’re undeserving of the treatment I gave them. I did not try as hard as I could have. I did not work as hard as I should have. I was too busy waiting for something to happen, instead of making something happen. I was not reliable like everyone thought I was. I do not deserve anyone’s respect, admiration, or praise. I do not deserve friends, or the love of another individual.

I am unworthy.

I am despicable.

I am not Great.

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