Bill Cosby Acquitted for Assaulting a Taiwanese Orphan, a Baby Seal, and Pope Francis

Bill Cosby has been acquitted of all charges involving a Taiwanese orphan, a baby seal, and Pope Francis himself.

“I knew something was wrong when he offered me quaaludes,” Francis reported. “Our justice system is broken.”

Though there was a plethora of witnesses and mountains of evidence, nothing seems to be enough to put serial rapist Bill Cosby behind bars.

“I thought video footage of Cosby violently attacking a Taiwanese orphan on PornHub.com would be enough to put him behind bars,” admits a courtroom spectator. “Apparently it’s not. And don’t even get me started on the video they of that bastard seducing that baby seal.”

Legal analysts from across the county agree no one can put Cosby behind bars. Not even the Pope himself.

“I mean, he’s funny. So are just going to have to ignore all the evidence, forgive, and forget.”