I feel like I have to be perfect just to stay alive, but then I get frustrated because I just want to be a kid and be normal.
Ferguson made my anxiety around cops soar
Editor’s Note: Since last August, the cultural conversation has centered on #blacklivesmatter, Ferguson and the death of Eric Garner. But it’s less common to hear about how these events impact the emotional worlds of teens, particularly young men of color. Mikyhial Clarke is part of the Generation Voice youth radio project in Delaware. The high school junior loves collecting sneakers and listening to old school hip hop, but he struggles with anxiety. Ever since Michael Brown died last summer, Mikyhial says his fears around police have reached a fever pitch. To hear an audio version of this story, go here.
My name is Mikyhial Clarke, I’m originally from New York but I moved to Delaware with my family when I was six. I have to say, New York is still in my heart.
Back in September I went back to Long Island, to Wheatley Heights, to visit my grandmother. She likes to cook for me, anything she makes for me I consider special.
We like to talk a lot. My dad came along cause he said he wanted to go to the barbershop and get a haircut. That’s like a win-win for me. I started thinking hey, I could check out the sneaker store, since I collect sneakers. But right then my cousin called cause he wanted to hang out, too. While my dad was getting a haircut, my cousin and I went to the park.
Every time I went back home I would visit that park. This time I wasn’t even playing, I was just chilling or whatever, and then, this guy, he wasn’t a police officer, he was like a security guard. And he yelled at us, “you guys gotta get out, this park’s closed for maintenance.”
But there were no signs that said it was closed. At first, when I saw him from a distance, I didn’t care. but then I saw on his face he wanted to bother us.
Then as he started approaching us I immediately got a little bit nervous. My father wasn’t there. Normally I can handle myself, but I started thinking about Michael Brown, the unarmed teen who was shot and killed this summer in Ferguson. And I’m worried that I could try and ask this guy questions, and then the guard or the cop or whoever he was could take the situation in his own hands. And if he wanted to hit me, he could do that, if he wanted to shoot me even, he could do that, too. That was one of my first worries with the cop.
My heart was pounding, I was so focused on that guard that I didn’t even check in on my cousin to see how he was reacting. But thankfully, the guy just told us to get the f out of here, which I thought was weird cause I know at my house you aren’t allowed to talk like that. He ended up leaving, but promised to come back.
Even though everything ended up peacefully, now I’m more afraid of cops than before. I’m already kind of an anxious person. I worry a lot, about my dog, about my homework, even my sneakers sometimes.
But this is anxiety is different. It’s much different. My palms get sweaty, I have a fight-or-flight feeling and a big lump in my throat.
I feel like I have to be perfect just to stay alive, but then I get frustrated because I just want to be a kid and be normal.
I want to be safe and know that I can walk around without being nervous around cops, but at the same time, I want to stand up to injustice. What I’d really like to do is have a conversation with a cop, tell them how I feel. I just don’t want to get hurt or lose my life in the process.
