How To Get Married: Lessons in Love from Durham University Freshers’ Week
by Ashley Krupnik, Senior Social Strategist & Tara Austin, Strategy Director
It has been reported that 72% of students from Durham University marry one another — a higher rate than at any other British university which is typically around 18–20% (Independent, 2013).
Today, with an estimated 50 million people on Tinder and even more are on other dating platforms, love, in whatever form, is certainly something people are after. However, finding it, has seemingly been more difficult in this modern day with the rate of marriage declining 6.2% from 2012 to 2014 (the most recent data available from the Office for National Statistics).
What is it about Durham, or the students that go there, that make them so predisposed to holy matrimony? On behalf of all those aching to walk down the aisle we decided to brave the University’s Freshers’ Week and find out. Here’s our guide to finding love of the ever-lasting variety.
1) BUILD REAL WORLD NETWORKS
Unsurprisingly, considering the high intake from non-state schools, Durham has a reputation for being “an extension of boarding school”. Keeping school connections alive (the old boys and girls network) fosters a strong sense of camaraderie but also allows social circles to expand.
So too does being a team player and this is certainly something expected at Durham where it’s not a question of whether you play sport but what. Not one student we spoke to at Durham failed to mention the role of either sport or drama or both in keeping the University social circle moving. This not only allows them to build their passion and secondary interests but also meet and tap into new real-world networks.
As Professor Davies pragmatically put it, ‘People are so disappointed by the Social Media, they are happy with the people around them over the swipe one way or another type. Maybe they realise that real-life is better than the screen version of the world’. There is certainly a trend within Durham to look for love outside of your 9:16 mobile screen and beyond the likes of Tinder or Happn.
Perhaps the most obvious answer to why Durham is a hotbed of romance comes from the simple geography of the town and colleges. It was frequently mentioned how Durham as a town is a close-knit community, full of support where people regularly cross paths with one another or attend one of a few nightclubs. Live in a small town where you simply run into people on a regular basis and there’s the opportunity for feelings to grow. Proximity begets passion.
2) FIND A COMMON GROUND
In the early 1960s the social scientist Muzafer Sherif, ran a series of experiments on group dynamics with his research centring on manipulating the conditions in a boy’s summer camp. Simply separating the boys into two separate residences and assigning names to the groups (the Eagles and the Rattlers) created a sense of rivalry which, fired up by competitive events, led to significant hostility and fighting. To rectify this and bring about reconciliation the experimenters staged a further scenario in which the camp bus became “stuck” and all the boys needed to come together to push and pull it free. As the behavioural scientist Robert Cialdini put it “presented with a common crisis and realising the need for unified action, the boys organized themselves harmoniously to find and fix the problem”. Common goals, or simply having a sense of being “in the same club” bonds us to our fellow man.
It is reported that somewhere between 58% and 80% of all Durham students have the common experience of being “Oxbridge rejects”. Add to this the fact of so many existing as “Southern expats” in a Northern town (97% of entrant postcodes were euphemistically “not from the North East”) and then the exclusivity of the College system and this heightened feeling of “us and them” inevitably drives deep bonds.
3) LOOK FOR TRADITIONAL PLACES
Like a gothic arch or punting on a river? Chances are you ache for a bygone era when men were gallant and maidens were fair. Since the days of Byron and Shelley old architecture and naturalistic places have attracted those romantically minded — those who believe in the full-throttle everlasting commitment of wedlock — and from the Cathedral dominating the skyline to the tree-lined river winding through the city, Durham does not disappoint.
Add to this the strong religious societies at Durham (many of the students we spoke to called out the strong presence of Christian worship at the University). There is also a particularly unusual tradition of couples pairing up as “college husband and wife” in order to act as “parents” to the next year’s intake (a process that involves, yes, a “proposal”). Students put an incredible amount of effort into these “proposals”, popping the question on band stands, declaring their desires on signs across bridges and even getting down on one knee in restaurants. You have a perfect place in which the traditional world of courtship and matrimony are both regularly considered and actively encouraged.
4) CULTIVATE A FUTURE TIME PERSPECTIVE
The work of Phillip Zimbardo and John Boyd suggests that we are all “time travelling” all the time… in our minds.
We may be making decisions today based on a nostalgia for the past and not wanting to lose the good things we have, or we may be deciding to hell with the past or future and living hedonistically in the present and just doing what feels good today.
Thirdly, say Zimbardo and Boyd, we may cultivate a future time perspective. This perspective is one whereby we make decisions based on imagining the future consequences of our behaviour. Typically, this may involve delaying gratification — working hard today, studying or going to the gym — in order to reap the benefits tomorrow.
Zimbardo and Boyd have undertaken research into time perspective with hundreds of thousands of people worldwide. One study showed that Stanford University students had a high future time perspective and, posited Zimbardo and Boyd, students from “other highly selective schools” would follow. Those who are predisposed towards a future time perspective have been shown to succeed in life. Durham is one of the top 100 universities in the world and, at the last ranking seemingly the fifth best university in the UK.
Undoubtedly the high achievers at Durham are excellent at delaying gratification to get where they are today. The question becomes if, with a keen eye on their future job prospects are they also more focused on finding the “perfect partner” to help them achieve future success. At their most candid, when we heard Durham students reflect on love we heard tales not just of romance, but a keen sense of pragmatism which leads us to believe that rather than simply seeking the hedonistic pleasures of the flesh today (as many of the fellow students are wont to do) are Durham boys and girls simply upholding the age of tradition of marriage not just for the sake of love, but for future happiness.
To take the survey to find out your time perspective (and share it with any potential partners) please see http://www.thetimeparadox.com/surveys/.
And although we may be able to attribute this quite unusual statistic to the above assertions, one of the most intriguing things about Durham were the people. For the Freshers entering a new city and a chapter in their lives, they were open. Open to discovery, open to listening, open to meeting new people, to learning and new experiences. Which in some respects, the excitement and enthusiasm for discovery may just be the thing all of us need to bring a little more love into our lives.
Until then, we will be eagerly awaiting to find out if this year’s Durham 2017 Freshers do in fact end up being part of the 72%.
