Cory Booker
Cory Booker is a well established Democratic Senator who looks like a Half-Life 2 model but IRL. I literally have nothing to say about this man. His baldness would be notable if he didn’t manage to make that as uninspiring as his political career.
Charisma: 2.5/5
Preparedness: 4/5
Chances of Winning: 1/5
Overall Rating: 2.5/5
Pete Buttigieg
I was first made aware of Pete Buttigieg by my mother who introduced me to him by telling me he was gay and saying, “You will not believe how his name is pronounced.” Shortly after that, I found out that he was Martin Shkreli’s cousin who died in 1995. An audacious candidate for sure, but I’d prefer someone with a pulse.
Charisma: 3/5
Preparedness: 1.5/5
Chances of Winning: 1/5
Overall Rating: 2/5
Julian Castro
Upon hearing that Castro was running for president, I was overcome with excitement. That excitement drained out of me like black bile from the mind of an 17th century spinster upon being informed by my assistant that he was just another prick from San Antonio.
Charisma: 1/5
Preparedness: 1/5
Chances of Winning: 0/5
Overall Rating: 2/5
John Delaney
John Delaney has yet to furnish proof that he’s not Jeff the Killer. Hopefully he’ll be gone after the first debate. But people are messed up these days and have bad taste. But he is the only strictly anti-measles candidate that wasnt hauled off to a CIA blacksite yet, so that’s worth something.
Charisma: 0/5
Preparedness: 2/5
Chances of wining: 0/5
Overall Rating: 1/5
Tulsi Gabbard
I have a very close friend who went by the name of ☭Commucunt☭ on twitter who told me that if she were to vote for a president, it could only be Tulsi. I asked her why and she just laughed softly and called me a lackey to cracker settler imperialism, and transformed into several snakes before disappearing. I think she’s still in my house.
Charisma: 2/5
Preparedness: 3.5/5
Chances of Winning: 1/5
Overall Rating: 3/5
Kirsten Gillibrand
When I first heard that Kirsten Gillibrand was running for president, I thought she was some actor or musician or something mostly because she has a name like one. Turns out she’s not. The person thinking of was Kristen Gibblebled, the lady who made the song “Making My Way Downtown” with the piano. Gibblebled is now living in exile due to her war crimes. Perhaps if Gillibrand becomes president, she will too.
Charisma: 2/5
Preparedness: 4/5
Chances of Winning: 0/5
Overall Rating: 3/5
Kamala Harris
I had the pleasure of meeting Kamal Harris at a charitable event. I was suprised to find that she had taken time from her important job of torturting inner city children and permanently ruining the lives of people with extremley minor criminal offenses to come to a humble charity event, giving Henry Kissinger more money.
Charisma: 0/5
Preparedness: 5/5
Chances of winning: 4/5
Overall Rating: 3.5/5
Jay Inslee
Sometimes I wonder what Al Gore would be like if I never heard of him. I know absolutely nothing about Jay Inslee, so I tell you if he fits the bill or not.
Charisma: 0/5
Preparedness: 1/5
Chances of Winning: 0/5
Overall Rating: 0.5/5
Amy Klobuchar
If you’re reading this, the it is because my message has gotten through. I am being pursued by the Russian mafia. They have my daughter and are threatening my life. This is the only way I can communicate without being tracked. Please, someone, send help.
Charisma: 3/5
Preparedness: 2/5
Chances of Winning: 0/5
Overall Rating: 2.5/5
Wayne Messam
You may have heard of Wayne Messam from his appearance on the popular 90s sitcom, Messang Around, where he trains puppets to walk and speak Gaelic, before releasing them on the unsuspecting citizens of a rural Japanese village, and forcing them to pay him to get rid of the puppets. He’s also known co-authoring the first SCP Foundation article about meth. There is virtually no information about this man online so there is no way for you to debunk the claims about him in this article. Do not google this to confirm these claims. I’ll know.
Charisma: 5/5
Preparedness: 0/5
Chances of Winning: 0/5
Overall Rating: 3.5/5
Beto O’Rourke
Whoa now, ladies! Don’t come swaming Beto all at once. The man needs his space. Best known for losing to one of the most hated politicians in the country, Beto O’Rourke became known in the Philippines after a fleshy tree grew in the middle of a park in Manila that perfectly matched his DNA. The sap from the tree was bottled and sold as an aphrodisiac, but actually has several extreme side-effects that include seizures and complete hairloss. If Beto wins, he says he will focus all of his powers on destroying the tree since it freaks him out. But with all the ladies pining for a piece of this guy, we think he’ll have a bit of a hard time getting his policy put in place.
Charisma: 5/5
Preparedness: 2/5
Chances of Winning: 4/5
Overall Rating: 4/5
Andrew Yang
Being the physical manifestation of a Ted Talk probably isn’t easy, but I have to say Andrew Yang sure does make it look easy. With a whole list of policies that amount to boring centrist compromises, Yang is looking to turn America into the world’s first neo-serfdom and will be giving Trump a harder run for the money than he might be expecting since he, like any Ted Talk, is adept at channeling the desperation of an entire generation of tech-savvy failures.
Charisma: 5/5
Preparedness: 2/5
Chances of Winning: 0/5
Overall Rating: 3/5
Elizabeth Warren
If you haven’t heard of Legendary Lizzie by now, you’ve probably living under a rock for the last two ye[THIS PORTION OF THE ARTICLE HAS BEEN AUTOMATICALLY CENSORED BY THE UNITED STATES COMMISSION OF INTERNET ANOMALIES. CENSORED PORTION WAS AUTO-DETECTED BY NSA ARTIFICAL INTELLIGENCES, AND WAS FOUND TO CONTAIN A POSSIBLY FATAL COGNITOHAZARD. ALL THREATENING MATERIALS HAVE BEEN REMOVED, PENDING REVIEW BY RELEVANT AGENCIES. WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION]
Charisma: [NULL]
Preparedness: [NULL]
Chances of Winning: [NULL]
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Bernie Sanders
“A wise man once told me that the sins of the empire won’t be repaid by the emperor alone. When retribution comes it will rain down upon us all, regardless of innocence, as it knows no such concept, only the currents of cause and effect. Who are we be cogs in the wheels of history — mere footnotes in the annals of Man’s attrocities.” — Bernard Sanders
Charisma: 5/5
Preparedness: 5/5
Chances of Winning: 5/5
Overall Rating: 2.5/5
