I Should Have Been Aborted

My parent’s marriage certificate hung in the hallway outside their bedroom. I was maybe 8 years old when I took the time one day to figure out that April and October of the same year were only 6 months apart. I had never seen any wedding photos, and suddenly it all made sense.

That’s me in there.

My mother got pregnant with the child of an alcoholic, drug-addicted plumber with 3 other children from two failed marriages. And her good, Christian ways meant that she should keep the baby and raise it with an alcoholic, drug-addicted plumber for a father with 3 other children from two failed marriages. They got married in a courthouse so she could spend her money to buy a house for all of us to live in.

Her life was ultimately ruined by that decision. That, and every day after that she chose to stay with him because that’s what she thought she was supposed to do. This beautiful, warm, loving woman had her potential snuffed out, her life filled with fear, and then she dropped dead in the parking lot of the public school where she taught. She was 50 years old.

Same, past Ginny. Same.

We had each other for 17 years. I’ve now lived longer without her than with. Let me tell you, it’s not great. A Series Of Unfortunate Events is not far off from my autobiography.

My life ultimately lead to her death. It’s not my fault, but you can argue that it’s hers. Or maybe we can blame her parents for raising her to believe in stupid things. It’s a slippery slope of blame. But I do believe that an abortion would have saved my mother’s life, and spared mine.

This is not to say that I wish to die. I’m here now. But the more the world comes crashing down around me, the more I feel like I’ve done a kindness to let this end with me. I used to want a family because I was so alone. Now I feel like that’s a selfish thing to want, and I could be more useful somewhere else. Some other path where not having a family is an asset.

People will miss me, but they won’t really miss me. But I definitely miss my mom and wish she could have had a better life than she ultimately chose.

Miss you.

Abortion saves lives.


Originally published at www.ginnymcqueen.com on January 25, 2017.