The click of my indefinite motions

Gino Araullo
Sep 3, 2018 · 6 min read
Much message, such memphis, very samsung. (artwork by yours truly)

Today as I woke up, I found myself wondering once again, no doubt that the heavy downpour while writing this contributed to my thoughts, but the thing is I was and still am quite at a disarray after I saw the message on that blinking, curved, edge-to-edge infinity display. (not bragging about the phone, it just sounded right, just like an ad would)

A good friend of mine that we’ll call Rainier (not his real name to keep his identity a secret), had messaged me at around 10PM yesterday and told me what is explicitly shown in the illustration above.

Rainier told me that he had this thing on Saturday; thus, he wouldn’t be able to attend the scheduled Reddit Philippines meetup event, he even sent me a photo of their invite to the event. Waking up to the message, and even before that, my head was already ringing of the various echoes that my blockmates and I have been talking about for the past weeks, it was that subconscious question that I kept asking myself “why am I in UA&P?”, and in a more concrete way of personal way of saying things “why didn’t I get into the big four?”, my typical answer was that I chose certain activities over studying and eventually lost track of what I needed to do, or another reply of mine would be I chose certain opportunities over others and eventually didn’t get into the big four. Over the summer however, I didn’t care anymore as to what might have been, it was me against the world, trying to go out and explore my endeavors, trying to take the first footsteps into the foray of the unknown.

It was a humbling moment when Rainier sent me his message, and if it hadn’t been for this small act of polite rejection, I might have not realized the truth behind that overcasting shadow that loomed constantly over me:

Why am I unhappy? why don’t I, and still refuse to, give a hundred and ten percent?

Truly, I am the hero of this world right? that I have value to others and that one day when the time is right, I would do well enough to be someone remarkable in this world? Well other than the fact that all of what I’ve said entirely contradict what I’ve been studying and reading for the past couple of months, all of what I’ve mentioned really do make no sense at all, that you would always be the star of the show and that you won’t make mistakes are falsehoods propagated by today’s world of instant gratification, and even just plain people as we are, we are all fragile and fickle creatures, prone to error and mistakes, very much far from perfect.

I am a victim of ego, a human who thinks that he can achieve anything within in his will, a human who thinks he deserves things he doesn’t work hard for, a human who thinks he is entitled to this and that without putting in the effort and discipline it takes to achieve such lofty goals, and I thought I was entitled to get into UPD, UPLB, or even DLSU, and I didn’t even get to take Ateneo’s entrance test.

I am a human who thinks he is entitled to this and that without putting in the effort and discipline it takes to achieve such lofty goals.

A few nights ago after our incorporation rites, while having dinner with friends, I asked a blockmate what his thoughts were on our fellow blockmates who were also hesitant, or at least haven’t fully embraced, the meaning of being a UA&P student. His answer surprised me.

“Yeah, a good number of us are still having second thoughts, and no surprises about that, but the thing is, I have my why, I’m here because I want to make it on my own, without anyone else’s shadow being cast down on me, I want to aim for Latin honors because I innately want to, not because I’m forced or anything, and I want to be in this school because it’s a good school, an okay course, it’s about our future connections, because, same as you, I know that I’ll do hella good when it comes to the corporate world as well.”

His sentiment undoubtedly made me question my why, I’m already in UA&P and I’m still carrying the burdens of the past, still acting similar to how I acted back in Senior High, with orgs in the front and acads in the middle. Why? Because orgs either serve as a release and as harbors of meaning, of multimedia which I love, and while I do love computers, it still isn’t at the point where I want to do my best in everything else, I still lack the meaning to pursue all other academic courses with the same gusto as I do to the other, true doing well would greatly enhance my chances of getting into a better company further down the road, and if not another school. Arrogance you might suggest, or lack of discipline, but it is kinda true, and although I do understand that the statement of my blockmate above isn’t necessarily all-encompassing to all situations, my deeper focus and why right now, especially for academics, is still undeniably lacking.


Truly, the world isn’t ones and zeroes, we are all far from being just boolean values, the thing is though, we act like we’re all ones when there are actually fractions in-between, numbers that make up part of a whole, and when connected to one another, similar to logic gates, we all produce an end result. In a world full of circuits and digits, we are not ones and zeroes, but a lot of us think that way, through a like or a share, through grades or numbers, through our number of friends, and a lot more. Grades have always been a crucial metric for me and the world in general in determining ones’ worth to a bigger cause. Truth be told though that in this life, only we get to decide what our worth is, not by some objectifying value stamped on us in college or by our peers.

Everything is a work in progress, and I’d be more than willing to take the time and meet up with you, dear reader, and talk about productivity tips and lifestyle changes that would bring about meaningful change in our lives, I understand Adrian Suarez’ sentiments as well when he told me that life isn’t about the pursuit of grades, but about what you want to do, about who you want to become, accompanied with the idea that doing anything that supplements your journey to be a better person must include discipline and hard work. I guess that’s it, right? I have yet to see results, all I could say right now though is proper timing and discipline,

I need to develop the habit of doing things right and well, because that’s the only way to gain results.

While true that we are not robots programmed to get uno’s or are forced to become slaves to the daily rhythmic repetitions happening all over schools and workplaces today, we still have to:

A. Find out our why’s and how we’re going to do them.

B. Be diligent and disciplined with the responsibilities that we have.


I’m still working on what would make everything click and make sense, true that there is the presence of negativity surrounding my past self, however true change can only happen once we accept our innate truths, and while I am no summa cumlaude or am gifted with vast stores of knowledge and photographic memory, I do believe that a lot of people that for most people who do well, it primarily boils down to their work ethic, through how they work and the meaning behind their work.

And so, here’s a choice I’m willing to make right now:

Gino Araullo

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Your value is not based on what others think, but on how you truly perceive yourself || Programming x Multimedia

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