The question of this season revolves around money. It also revolves around self acceptance. And emotional well being. It has to do with how I look at myself.

Tested as INFP but was in denial about it. All I could see were the weaknesses that I was all too familiar with. Too sensitive. Unproductive. Lacking in self care. I thought it was a handicap. I tried to be an INTP. Theyre great thinkers. I have trouble keeping to a train of thought. I read books with the intent to improve my thinking. I told people I was an INTP. I mirrored my INTJ friend. Id be interested in systems. I’d focus and sit through a task until it’s done. I really tried, I did. I watched Elon musk videos to find out how he thought. I idolized my INFJ boss. I wished for his ability to get things done, to come up with ideas quickly, to relate with all kinds of people. I remember back in high school I was in a classroom full of S’s. And I felt bad for it. Why wasn’t I like everybody else.

I was in complete denial of my own personality. Yesterday I watched videos of people with my own personality. Neil Gaiman, Johnny Depp. What characters they are. Reminded me of my own quirks and how I would respond to questions. Amy Tan, LM montgomery, CS Lewis. I remember reading their books and enjoying them. Why cant I see my personality as a good thing? I was a weird kid and now Im just a stoic looking blank-faced do-nothing hide from everything.

I did come to some realizations about my type. I need to use my Ne more. As a designer, my main medium is visual. And so I will refine my drawing skills. i will observe the world around me through sketching and writing. I will ideate on paper or on the computer. Start with that. With more input and improvement, I might get out of this self-deprecating rut Im in.

How about money? I’m getting married soon and yes, we have started to fight about money. You see, I dont make much of it. I am an employee. My fiance has his own business. He thinks I should contribute. And I want to.. but… I dont make much. What is finance? It has something to do with value. What I know from reading articles is that being an employee has zero leverage. And I dont particularly enjoy life employed, doing random stuff your boss throws at you. So what’s the alternative? Freelancing. Starting my own business. Teaching, consulting.

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