Meditation and Me

I have been practicing meditation for well over 14 years, from the time I was 13 (circa 2008). This is a brief overview of my experiences.

Everything started from a seed idea planted in my head during a willed relaxation class period when someone brought up mediating (circa 8th grade). From my culture, it was something people should do, like praying in western religion. That was the beginning of a conscious realization that meditation was for me.

That summer, I closed my eyes while sitting outside and felt where wind blew against my skin. For the first time, dopamine reward mechanism kicked in. The conventional triggers like social status, eating, and drugs appear not as effective as my experience goes. Meditation is it.

Next was feeling the sun without looking at 5:30 in the morning late July. It was very cold that day and the sun burned or felt like it after ten seconds. Eyes closed, spinning to maintain warmth without feeling burning.

These were just non-consequential experiences. Then ninth grade and the spinal fusion, an eight hour procedure where they drilled holes through my spine to attach wire and rods. After that, ten days on a nasal vent and a month coughing up secretions. One night, I couldn’t stop coughing or breathe effectively. Luckily my nurse knew about meditation. She guided me through sealing away my reflex to cough in a cage (visualization) and that worked well.

After high school and a little college, I stalled for two years, not knowing what to do after dropping out of college. Everything moved again after the trach and ventilator.

Meditation starts with emotional control. After the first few years, internal emotions became depressed, except with a very strong strengthening of will power. Focusing on something takes will, over any extended time. The conscious mind has exerted control over emotions. At this point, emotions can be selected, but you really want to feel nothing inside, just the emotions of others. Meditation is about increasing the connection between the conscious and unconscious from the beginning.

Neurological medication really messed me up. I was on seroquel and trazadone for three weeks by misguided doctors that couldn’t believe someone with my condition wasn’t depressed or off-label for insomnia (pretty expected for a Hemothorax). It made meditation very difficult. That medication is very widespread in it’s action. In stupidity, I went cold turkey and had a depressive and anxiety riddled three months.

My meditation practices have evolved over time, covering about seven total methods. Meditation is just focusing on something. Sensory depervation — shut down or disable a sense to increase other senses. Closing eyes or ears got clogged with wax. Transcendental Meditation — saying a phrase repeatedly in the mind. When watching tv (fictional) while saying it isn’t real. Asceticism — the idea that pain with meditation leads to something. From ninth grade to 2011, I lost about half my body weight from 120 to 65 pounds without realizing it (again asceticism) Focusing on some internal process like pulse through the hand. Focusing on breathing (Buddhist meditation) . Trying to warm hands and feet.

My current abilities: emotional control, temperature changing, creativity, multiple modes of thinking (visual, verbal, kinesthetic), internal pain response (once I had around eight out of ten pain and felt high without any medication, after subcutaneous morphine felt like this is no fun), improved intelligence and memory. Future abilities are caught briefly. I truly believe meditation leads to the future evolution of man.

Tell me what you think.