“The world is a great mirror. It reflects back to you what you are. If you are loving, if you are friendly, if you are helpful,the world will prove to be loving and friendly and helpful in return. The world is what you are.” ~ Thomas Dreier, Author

Okay, warning I am about to use urban grammar and analogies. I will define the urban grammar for those who are not quite familiar with the urban vernacular but I feel that it will pack a powerful punch. When I say getting yourself together first, what I mean is to fix your shit, for lack of a better word.

If you are someone who have a lot of “ain’t gots” — definition of “ain’t gots”: When you ain’t got no job, no car, living with your….. Ain’t got any skills, bad credit, no goals, no future and no inspiration. That is what “ain’t gots” mean.

See, the problem comes in when you have a lot of “ain’t gots” and you meet someone who has “some gots” you quickly want to get some of “his gots”. So now, you are in a position where someone is taking care of you and the problem with that is He Who Got The Money, Got The Power. Now you have become bought and paid for. So when he says jump, you’re asking how high and on what?

When you are in those situations, and especially if you have children with this person, you tend to become stuck. To be responsible enough to be in a relationship, you should have some things together. You should have a job, or in college, a car, a place to live outside of your parents’ home, a plan for a future that you are working towards, a bank account and working to establishing good credit. I know college isn’t for everyone but you should be able to do something legal to create income. You want to always be in a position to walk away from a relationship free and clear without fear of owing anyone anything.


I am going to use an analogy that I think is right on point. Every woman should be operating at 100% meaning, you are standing on your own two feet, being your own woman. But when you’re operating at 35% and someone comes along with 25% you start thinking hey, we’re at 60%. You got the apartment but he has the car. You work part time and he work some time. You come home, tired from work, and he cooked, but all of his friends are at your house watching the game, eating the food he cooked and drinking up everything. The lease is in your name but the cable and electric is in his name. The relationship is dying and now becoming toxic. You’re fighting all the time and now he stays out all night. So now you want to break up but…….do you cut your nose despite your face? How will you get to work? You can’t pay the rent, cable, electric, gas and groceries. You’re trying to find another job, but you need his car to go on the interviews. He’s on general relief so he is receiving food stamps. So, what do you do? So now that 35% is no longer workable because you became use to operating at 60% which is still 40% shy of what it should be but now how can you go back to 35%?

God bless the child that’s got his own. Be able to stand on your own with or without him. Make sure that when he leaves, he takes nothing but the clothes on his back and his toxicity. Do not put yourself in a position that if he leaves, your life will fall apart, literally. One day I will write a book and tell you how I learned that lesson but for now, I’ll blog.

Be able to take care of yourself, be able to stand on your own two feet. If you have children, please be aware KIDS DO WHAT THEY SEE, NOT WHAT YOU SAY. Be mindful who you allow around your kids. If your kids see you get beaten and cheated on, then that will become their normal. You don’t want all of the failed relationships to be their failed relationships as well. That’s how abandonment issues start.

There is a movie that most of you may know of and most of you have never heard of but it’s called “Claudine,” featuring Diahann Carroll. Not going too much into the plot but she is a maid that has to travel a long way from home to clean up homes in wealthy neighborhoods. She is on the bus with a bunch of other maids and they begin to talk about men. One of the ladies said, “I would rather clean a dirty pair of pants, than no pants at all.”

That line always haunted me. Some people need a man for man sake, no matter if he is good or bad they need him. You shouldNEVER need a man, he should ALWAYS be a want but you have to understand the difference. A need is something you cannot do without like water and air. A want is something you can take or leave.

Stay tuned for Chapter 4: the infamous list…..non-negotiable’s

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