The origins of easter traditions and why it all makes no sense

Ah, Easter. A celebration of looking for things that have been hidden in your backyard and giving way too much chocolate to children. There’s probably a historical reason for these things taking place, but no need to focus on the details, Easter isn’t really about that anyway, so who cares.

What we do know, is an egg is a symbol for new life as new lives come from eggs (well, new oviparous animal lives do) and as we all know, Jesus came back to life at Easter! Not as a chicken, the chicken egg is just symbolic. He was still in human form, as far as I am aware. Word is, he wasn’t made of chocolate either but we have chocolate chicken eggs to be symbolic because who would buy a chicken egg made of human!? That would be crazy, you weirdo.

So unless you’re Jeffrey Dahmer, we’ve established the eggs needed to be made of something non human and non eggy, so they would appeal to consumers, and someone along the line came up with milk chocolate. Because what would make more sense than making chicken eggs out of milk stolen from baby cows!? Chocolate ‘new life symbols’ are way more precious than actual new lives anyway so we can just discard the calves so we can take the milk the cows produced to feed them and mix it with a load of cocoa and sugar and sell it in the shape of a chicken egg. That’s right, chicken eggs made of cow’s milk to be consumed by humans, all in the name of new life.

You can use real eggs too, if you’re not a fan of chocolate. You could eat actual chicken eggs or you could paint them pretty colours and use them for decoration! Nothing celebrates new life like the egg industry! They work with new life every day so it must be magical! Unless they’re baby boy chickens of course… But we can just mass murder the useless little buggers and pretend they never existed; problem solved! Yay for eggs and new life!

So you might think they would have these cow eggs delivered by a chicken… or a cow… or even a human, but no. There was an option that greatly outweighed the logic of all the rest…

Bunny rabbit.

Rabbits are known to have loads of babies, right? So what better way to symbolize new life than having an animal who doesn’t lay eggs but has lots of babies, deliver chicken egg shapes that are actually made from cow’s milk!

So that’s the chicken-cow eggs and bunny delivery man covered, but how else could we traditionally make a toast to new life at this special time? Lambs! Cute little baby sheep with their fluffy hair and cute little ears and they bounce around like the adorable little babies they are; they are prefect little bundles of joy to celebrate new beginnings. So the perfect way to have these little baby munchkins represent new life and Easter would probably be to kill, cook and eat them! Yep, you heard me! Take that cute, fluffy, happy little baby and KILL IT. Then serve that sucker up to your entire family and be sure to raise a glass to new life and new beginnings because else, you’d have killed that baby, who never got a chance at new life, for nothing! And you wouldn’t want that now, would you?

So cheers! To the holiday that has something to do with Jesus and being reborn! Let’s take our copious amounts of cow milk chicken eggs that were delivered by a rabbit and eat them all without a second thought, so we’re almost too full to eat the charred remains of the dead baby sheep who will be served up for our Easter dinner that is (did I mention?) to celebrate NEW LIFE.


Originally published at on April 16, 2017.

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