The Garage Diaries
Observations of a person who might have formerly been labeled a “redneck,” who lives up in Pennsylvania. (Yeah that’s right. Pennsylvania. People who voted for Trump are everywhere y’all)
This is satire. Or maybe it’s not. You can draw your own conclusions. And the author (the actual author, not the man portrayed) — solely based on the fact that he was born and raised in the “South” — can be labeled a bona-fide “redneck” himself, so don’t get worked up about his use of the word. Note: The author didn’t vote for Clinton OR Trump.
I got this modular couch (or is it a sectional?). Some of it is in one room in my house, but there ain’t no room for anymore of it anywhere else in the house, so the two pieces that recline are in my garage, between which sits the little piece that has the drink holders. Lately, since the weather seems like it wants to stay warm all the way through December, I’ve taken to sittin’ out here with the garage door open and havin’ a few cold ones in my recliner while I watch the goings-on down in my part of the cul-de-sac; cars and trucks goin' by on other streets, kids chasin’ their dogs, people walkin’, and once in a while some of my neighbors will come in here and get themselves a cold one too. And we’ll talk a bit. Sometimes we talk about the recent election and where we’re headed as a country, a country we all love.
Why do I sit out here? Because it’s comfortable. I mean, why wouldn’t I? We have a computer, but I don’t get on it and do all this, what’s it called? Social media? All that Facebook and Twitter stuff. Who does that? Who’s got time for it anyway? I get up every day and get to work by 8, get about an hour for lunch, work until 6, and come home. And if I’m not all fired up to eat right then, I come out here, pop a cold one, or pour some Jim Beam in a glass full of ice and just sit here.
It beats the hell outta sittin' on the couch inside. Hell, there ain’t nothin' worth watchin’ on the TV. I got somethin' like 2,000 channels, but ain’t nothin’ on any of ‘em. You can’t even watch football anymore because it takes a two-hour buildup to the game, and the fifteen people on the pregame show are tellin’ you more information than you’ll ever need to watch the damn game. Then when the game finally starts, I can’t ever remember who is on what team because they switch teams so much. It’s boring. Since when do they kick extra points from 30 yards like a field goal anyway? Who came up with that stupid ass rule?
They’ve ruined TV sports anyway. Too much non-sports related bullshit. It used to be you could turn on ESPN, and you got the Sportscenter and all it was was 30 straight minutes of highlights. If you were lucky you got the hour long version. All it was was the two people showin’ you what had happened that day in the world of sports. And the two people had great personalities! I loved it. Now, there’s none of that. The personalities are gone. It’s all tellin’ you what to think about non-sports issues. “Social issues” they call it. ESPN sucks now.
Anyway, about this election. I voted for old Trump. Now before you start gettin’ all worked up just hear me out for a minute. I don’t really think that much of him. He seems clueless most of the time, and he has said some really dumb stuff and some pretty crazy stuff for sure. I don’t really think the man has ever had a thought in his head that didn’t make its way out of his damn mouth. He has no governor on it you know? Like a car engine. I made an exception to my no TV rule the other night and watched him on 60 Minutes. He looked like he was a little shocked he won. He looked like a deer in the headlights, and I actually know what that looks like. He seemed subdued. Anyway, this is the first time I voted for a candidate who won where I felt no excitement when I heard the news he’d won. Sort of weird.
Look. This is what all you Clinton folks just don’t get. I’m not a racist. I’m not a woman hater. I don’t hate immigrants. Hell, I work with a lot of immigrants in my job and they are my friends. I know their families and I have spent time with them. Extended family sometimes. I bet I work with more people who have come to this country from somewhere else than you do. I don’t hate people who don’t have the same religion as me. My neighbors are all races and nationalities. We talk to each other. We don’t go run and hide in our houses and never speak to one another. I don’t care that people are gay or lesbian or transgender or whatever the words are we are now supposed to use to describe them. In fact, why do we even use those words anymore? They’re just people like everyone else. We use labels too much in this country. Anyway, I personally think we got a lot worse problems in this world than who people want to marry and how they want to dress or what gender they want to be. I couldn’t care less. I mean, I’m married to a woman. Does anybody give a damn that I’m heterosexual? Of course not. I don’t get in their business and they don’t get in mine. I want to live and let live. So please don’t call me a bigot or a racist. Cause it ain’t true.
But anyhow, I voted for Trump despite all his stupid remarks and the disturbing things he’s said in the past because I think outta the two people who ran for President we got a better chance for something different with him. Hillary Clinton you say? I’m just tired of her. There was nothing to get excited about with her. She’s been around since what, 1992 when Bill got elected? And damn if I didn’t vote for him. Twice. If you can believe that. But that’s a different story. Anyway, nothing personal towards her, I just never have thought of her as a real candidate for anything. Never looked at her as somebody I could vote for. I’ve watched her and listened to her for years and not once did I ever feel like she was speaking to me. Don’t know why. I just never felt it. She’s boring. Like dry toast without butter or jam on it. Like a glass of milk that’s been sittin’ on the kitchen counter too long. Trump. He’s the opposite of that. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but I know this: It ain’t gonna be boring.
And all that email crap? I couldn’t care less. I don’t even use email that much myself. I mean sure, I don’t want to vote for anyone who broke laws, but I never felt like that was important enough to give it much thought. It carried zero weight with me one way or the other.
All you folks out there sayin’ you don’t respect me and you think less of me for votin’ for Trump, well, just keep on thinkin’ that. You can go ahead and call me a redneck if you want. I really don’t care what you think. When you label folks, it makes it to where you never have to get to know ‘em. I bet y’all never once in your lives played sports or were in the military, where you are forced to get to know people who are different from you and where you grew up. I feel sorta sorry for you. Seems like you’ve lived a real insulated and stunted life. Filled with too much TV and internet. Too much of those things will brainwash you in the end. But you have very little experience with people who are different from you. Different physically and different politically. I bet you make very little effort to be in the company of people who think differently than you do. And that’s OK, because this is a free country after all.
Anyway, in the end I guess what I’m tryin’ to say is if you never try to get to know real people or what they think is important, then you’ll never get their votes. If you’re a candidate. If you’re just a regular person like me, then you will be a limited person.
And no matter who you are or who you voted for, if you come on up to my garage, I’ll give you a cold one too. Or even some Jim Beam. I got plenty. We can discuss all this stuff. Or we can just drink.
Just throwing that out there for everybody.
