How Caring Made Me Snap
The most influential people of your life are often family, friends and your lover but what happens when it all goes too far? You snap.
Many years ago, my maths teacher said that I “have the patience of a saint” due to a scenario that happened. Now though, that can’t be said.
I’ve suffered abuse from the people most closest to me, both physically and mentally but what happens when the one person who tells you that they will never hurt you and will always protect you, do just that?
A few years ago, a best friend of mine told me that one of her male friends had been thrown out of his mothers house. She explained the situation and how he hadn’t seen her for years due to being in care and how she wasn’t a very nice person. I felt I could relate and being the person I am… or was, I didn’t want to see him out on the street.
I said he could stay with me until he found a place. After 2 weeks of being in the same house most of the time, we got to know each other and started a relationship. He wasn’t my first, in fact he was my 5th but the other 4 before him treated me badly although not as badly as my first.
We were together for 8 months and during that time, he hadn’t looked for a job because he “wanted to experience the childhood he never had” and play games all day, smoking away our money from the dole and spending most of the cash on xbox games to the point where I had to ask family for money and take out what was then known as “crisis loans”.
We had council debt in the hundreds because he refused to pay it and wouldn’t let me pay my half because he wanted the money for games and his tobacco.
Eventually, one day while I was putting my foot down, telling him that he needed to get a job and stop wasting our money as we were getting threats from the council about our overdue tax, he said something that I can never forgive him for and it still burns ‘till this day.
Earlier in the week, he had self-harmed himself by using a Stanley blade to cut into his harm. He told me he did so because he was upset at his mother who, at that time, was sending him horrible texts and telling him he was a bad son etc.
But when I pulled him up for the millionth time about his issues, he shouted at me “Do you want to know why I really did this?” I paused not knowing what to say. “Because you do nothing but nag and bitch at me. I did this because if I didn’t, I was going to slit my throat because of you!” I lost it. I completely lost it.
“Get out of my house!” I screamed. “It’s my house too. I can stay if I want. You get out of my house.” he replied. I told him that it is under both our names but he’s added onto the application, it’s not joint and I already spoke to the housing previously and if he doesn’t get out I will phone the police.
“You wouldn’t dare.” He said. Shaking with anger, I leaned over and into his face and replied “try me”. He stared for a moment, grinding his teeth then said “fine.” By the coming Monday, he was gone back to his mothers house. Guess she wasn’t as bad as he made out she was.
My first boyfriend may have been a hell of a lot worse both physically and mentally, but this man managed to tear me down completely.
I put a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food in his stomach and that was how he re-paid me. I was the one trying to look for work despite being diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks and night-terrors yet he did nothing but use me. He knew about my past but didn’t care at all. The threat about cutting his own throat was just the dagger in heart.
Ever since I’ve never been the same. I’ve always been clinging onto the person I used to be who was kind, polite, patient, loving and sincere. After everything I had been through, it was him that pushed me over the edge and made me snap.
I suppose it was everything all in one, really. Trying to help someone in their moment of need for them to throw it back in your face and say something so unbelievably hurtful that it doesn’t even matter if they meant it or not. The fact that he never apologised for his comment made the matter worse.
It was trust that was broken. Trust that he would keep to his word of finding a job, never hurt me in any way and always protect me. When the person who claims they will be your protector and turns out to be your torturer, that leaves a mark. I wanted to believe his lies because I had no one. He was all I had and I desperately didn’t want to be alone but perhaps, being alone is less cruel than that of what happened.
Thank you for taking the time to read this article.