Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Donald Trump just can’t get away from his association with the “birther’ movement, which has implicitly questioned the legitimacy of the Obama Presidency by claiming that our first black President was actually born in Kenya. But he has so far avoided any detrimental effect on his own candidacy arising out of issues concerning his own eligibility due to questions about the actual origins of his head of hair.

While no one doubts that Trump was born in Queens, New York, an outer borough that only snobbish Manhattanites regard as a foreign country, the evolution of his hair style could lead to a Constitutional crisis over whether one may become President if a prominent part of his physical appearance is not only not native to this country, but may actually be an alien species.

Dr. Jack Gladney, a prominent astronomer associated with the Breedlove Observatory in New Mexico and the author of “UFOs and You, An Illustrated History,” commented that the color of Trump’s hair has no known relation to any hue found on the face of the Earth. Dr. Hilda Garde, a professor at Columbia University and an expert on exotic species, added, “although the shape [of Mr. Trump’s hair] somewhat resembles that of the Asian ( Mydaus, or “stink”) badger, that breed has no presence in the U.S. and is actually a member of the skunk family.”

So, you might ask, what does any of this have to do with the current Presidential campaign between Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton? Trump still lags in the polls and remains a long shot, so the issue may be merely academic.

But Hugo Long, a constitutional law professor at the Aaron Burr School of Law in Weehawken, New Jersey, has raised the issue of whether the genealogy of Trump’s hair makes him ineligible to be President under Article II, Section 1 of the United States Constitution, which requires that he be a “natural born citizen.” According to Professor Long, the founders clearly intended that “all parts of a person’s anatomy, including his hair, originate in the United States, otherwise his brain, no matter how small its size, may be unduly influenced by foreign powers who may be inimical to American interests.”

Clinton has taken the high ground, refusing to comment on the nature of her opponent’s potentially foreign hirsuteness, but did say, “I support the right of every American, including Mr. Trump, to insult other people’s appearances while looking like a damn fool himself every day.” Libertarian Party candidate, Gary Johnson, responded to a question about the issue from this reporter by asking: “who’s Donald Trump?”