Menacing Mob Murders Moose

Greg Gnall
Sep 5, 2018 · 2 min read

“I want to be let alone”
-Greta Garbo

Not since Princess Diana met her demise while trying to elude overbearing paparazzi in that Paris tunnel can a death be so directly linked to a media frenzy as when a crowd of curious onlookers with cell phones drove a moose back from the Vermont shore into the waters of Lake Champlain, where it drowned of apparent exhaustion after swimming from the New York side of the lake. The moose had no known next of kin.

We have always been fascinated with recording the lives of celebrities, from Jackie O. to the Kardashians, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we someday discover ancient etchings of Anthony and Cleopatra on their barge in the Nile before their ill-fated decision to take on Octavian in the Battle of Actium. Usually the recorders had some professional purpose, even if possessed of questionable ethical motives. But now, every last person with a cell phone feels the need to record every moment as it occurs, preferably with them in the picture, as though human experience cannot exist without a record on Instagram.

Of course, there are two kinds of celebrities: those who are famous for their exploits and those who are famous for being famous. Perhaps the lives of both types are fair game since they generally exploit the public as much as they are exploited. But then there are those who for one moment become famous and are subjected to a lifetime of curiosity. We have to put the unfortunate moose in that category. Perhaps he had hoped to make a statement about climate change, seeking relief in the cool waters of the lake during another record-breaking heat wave in the Northeast. Or maybe he wanted to escape the dreary news cycle that can wear down the best of us. Whatever his motive, he certainly didn’t ask for the attention he got. Now he will live forever in social media circles. Heaven help us if there were any undocumented immigrants in the crowd that drove him to his death. If so, politicians will use that fact to advance their agenda.

Then again, as far as I know, no one has checked the moose’s nationality. Maybe he was a CANADIAN MOOSE, purposely sent to stir up trouble in the Nafta negotiations. We all know how wily those Canadians are. If so, we may want to consider another wall on our Northern border. After all, before you know it, the NHL will be full of their type. Can you imagine the likes of Wayne Gretzky or Sidney Crosby taking American jobs? Now that is something that clearly must be stopped.